1) Working a minimal amount of shifts and West49 now since it's January but still lovin' it. Might get hired at the folk fest store! Just need to call him on Tuesday. Fuck. So stoked.
2) Volunteering at an inner city school teaching kids how to play guitar and keyboard! I hope they need my assistance. I'm pretty sure I'll love doing it.
3) Choir thing for Zalis' 'world premiere' is starting up again. I'm glad to be singing with a group of people again.
4) I met this super interesting girl. SUPER interesting.
5) I'm going to MC Gordie's Coffeehouse on occasion now too!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Thoughts.
1) I think we're done.
This sucks.
2) I want to make music.
Lots and lots of kinds.
3) I like going to school.
It gives me something to do.
4) I love working at West49.
Doesn't even feel like work, just a solid hang sesh for 9 hours.
5) I saw that cute girl from my music class last semester.
She's still cute.
6) Friends...
Is such a good show.
7) The Mueseum of Man & Nature is awesome.
I wish we'd practice more.
8) People should stop blaming other people.
That's what comes with your choices you've made.
9) I'm fat now.
Get in shape for Hawaii.
10) I'd wait for 50 years for you to be ready.
As long as we can be chums again.
This sucks.
2) I want to make music.
Lots and lots of kinds.
3) I like going to school.
It gives me something to do.
4) I love working at West49.
Doesn't even feel like work, just a solid hang sesh for 9 hours.
5) I saw that cute girl from my music class last semester.
She's still cute.
6) Friends...
Is such a good show.
7) The Mueseum of Man & Nature is awesome.
I wish we'd practice more.
8) People should stop blaming other people.
That's what comes with your choices you've made.
9) I'm fat now.
Get in shape for Hawaii.
10) I'd wait for 50 years for you to be ready.
As long as we can be chums again.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
New Year
I am and will be a disposable friend for my entire life.
In 2008 I've lost so many people by just losing contact with them and I've lost chances to meet so many new people because I just get sad and miss the old ones.
It's really shitty when I think about it.
The thing that triggered it right now was, I was talking to my penpal/friend from New Zealand on msn just now and hassled her about how she never ever called once, or never sends letter and makes a decent effort to stay in touch other than the odd msn conversation. She told me she's too busy and doesn't have time to sit around the computer for hours on end because she has a life. She strongly implied I did not have one. I didn't ask her to talk to me for 5 hours on the phone or even on the computer, all I wanted was to know she still thought about me. In our history of around 7 years of knowing each other, we maintained a pretty strong relationship but I noticed I only have 5 letters from her. I'm the one who's always called her. Maybe she just grew out of this whole thing, it is kinda lame, but we were such good friends for a long time. Anyways, we had an argument and she hurt me. It's weird that I haven't ever met her once and she's halfway around the world but she still has the ability to hurt me. I don't think we're talking again. I don't know if I'd want to and she probably doesn't care. I deleted her e-mail, her number and her address. Of course those are all memorized but I know time will make me forget. She's already forgotten.
My ex-girlfriend is another big one. Our history has been so confusing and we've tried to work it out, maybe we have, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel that she too, has given up on me. I'm not worth fighting for and she doesn't have time to care about me. I know this sounds all so selfish, it is, but I don't see why people can't try. I try so hard, but I'm scared of coming off too strong so I don't talk to them. But then I think that if i don't talk to them, they'll forget completely. I really wish this would come out clearer rather than this jumbled mess it coming out as. It's sad that people forget all the memories and replace them. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do though. Erase and replace. Kill off the character so you can bring in a newer, younger, handsomer one. I HATE the idea of that. What was the point of going through all that fucking shit if you're not going to cherish it later.
There's nothing special about me. I'm not especially talented in any way, I don't change peoples lives, fuck, I don't even change people's minds. That's why people can forget about me so easily. Do I have to change myself? Make myself into someone else that can leave an impression on someone's mind? Why can't I just be myself?
Maybe I dwell on things past too much and I need to keep moving forward. It just makes me fucking sad. I often wonder what would happen if I were to die. OBV these thoughts are nothing to do with suicide or anything! never! but what would happen if I just disappeared? No stories would appear in the newspapers or anything. Just vanish. My NZ girl would never know so that works out well. No one I know right now would think twice about me not texting them back or answering calls. I don't think any of the people I know would get concerned to ask about me. I think I'd be successful in just disappearing. I will try that one day. Just pack up and leave. I can start over. Fuck, thinking about this is suuuper depressing. I mean everyone has those couple people or that one someone that is always there for them and know whats up. I don't have one. I've been living my whole life as a drifter, I just float around in and out of existence. One person has said she's always there for me no matter what. How can she if she can't even talk to me without having to look behind her shoulder or feel bad about it. She's the closest thing I have to a best friend and she's not even close.
I'm selfish. This whole entry is just narcissistic and in vein. I whine too much.
I'm going to disappear one day though and you'll never know.
Maybe you'll see me in the news one day because of my successful coconut beverage shop I started in Fiji.
In 2008 I've lost so many people by just losing contact with them and I've lost chances to meet so many new people because I just get sad and miss the old ones.
It's really shitty when I think about it.
The thing that triggered it right now was, I was talking to my penpal/friend from New Zealand on msn just now and hassled her about how she never ever called once, or never sends letter and makes a decent effort to stay in touch other than the odd msn conversation. She told me she's too busy and doesn't have time to sit around the computer for hours on end because she has a life. She strongly implied I did not have one. I didn't ask her to talk to me for 5 hours on the phone or even on the computer, all I wanted was to know she still thought about me. In our history of around 7 years of knowing each other, we maintained a pretty strong relationship but I noticed I only have 5 letters from her. I'm the one who's always called her. Maybe she just grew out of this whole thing, it is kinda lame, but we were such good friends for a long time. Anyways, we had an argument and she hurt me. It's weird that I haven't ever met her once and she's halfway around the world but she still has the ability to hurt me. I don't think we're talking again. I don't know if I'd want to and she probably doesn't care. I deleted her e-mail, her number and her address. Of course those are all memorized but I know time will make me forget. She's already forgotten.
My ex-girlfriend is another big one. Our history has been so confusing and we've tried to work it out, maybe we have, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel that she too, has given up on me. I'm not worth fighting for and she doesn't have time to care about me. I know this sounds all so selfish, it is, but I don't see why people can't try. I try so hard, but I'm scared of coming off too strong so I don't talk to them. But then I think that if i don't talk to them, they'll forget completely. I really wish this would come out clearer rather than this jumbled mess it coming out as. It's sad that people forget all the memories and replace them. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do though. Erase and replace. Kill off the character so you can bring in a newer, younger, handsomer one. I HATE the idea of that. What was the point of going through all that fucking shit if you're not going to cherish it later.
There's nothing special about me. I'm not especially talented in any way, I don't change peoples lives, fuck, I don't even change people's minds. That's why people can forget about me so easily. Do I have to change myself? Make myself into someone else that can leave an impression on someone's mind? Why can't I just be myself?
Maybe I dwell on things past too much and I need to keep moving forward. It just makes me fucking sad. I often wonder what would happen if I were to die. OBV these thoughts are nothing to do with suicide or anything! never! but what would happen if I just disappeared? No stories would appear in the newspapers or anything. Just vanish. My NZ girl would never know so that works out well. No one I know right now would think twice about me not texting them back or answering calls. I don't think any of the people I know would get concerned to ask about me. I think I'd be successful in just disappearing. I will try that one day. Just pack up and leave. I can start over. Fuck, thinking about this is suuuper depressing. I mean everyone has those couple people or that one someone that is always there for them and know whats up. I don't have one. I've been living my whole life as a drifter, I just float around in and out of existence. One person has said she's always there for me no matter what. How can she if she can't even talk to me without having to look behind her shoulder or feel bad about it. She's the closest thing I have to a best friend and she's not even close.
I'm selfish. This whole entry is just narcissistic and in vein. I whine too much.
I'm going to disappear one day though and you'll never know.
Maybe you'll see me in the news one day because of my successful coconut beverage shop I started in Fiji.
Monday, December 22, 2008
December
...is going all right.
I work at west49 now which is kinda killer.
The people are super cool and we listen to good music all day.
Well, usually. Some people have sweet music, others are alright.
I made a special mix on my shitty iPod shuffle with things that i thought were suitable for west49. I put on a whole bunch of hardcore intense shit. Now I put a whole bunch of random shit I like to show to other people. It's super cool. Lots of people listen to stuff I do and they show me stuff they'd think I like, so I do the same. I was stoked when I heard At the Drive-In and Vince Guaraldi Trio. Anyways, west is an awesome job. I already bought two pairs of shoes and I'm thinking of buying another. I think I'll get some pants there as well.
I'm pretty sure they like me. Maybe I'll get to stay after the holidays too. I'm working lots now. I mean you could say it's just becuase it's Christmas but some seasonal people don't even work at all.
I'm not making as much music as I'd like to. Actually I haven't made any music at all. Hopefully the band will get together and have at least a couple of good jams. My girl/guy band fell through. She stopped calling and stuff. I mean, she IS super super busy. I think it's just a commitment she can't make right now. I thought it was awesome though. Oh well. I don't want to bother her. I haven't sung and played guitar much on my own either. It sucks. I started playing classical again but I really am not getting into it becuase I can't find any songs that I really like. Oh well. In the new year I plan on doing it a lot more. I better.
I made a movie for my family for Christmas. I'm not even excited about Christmas itself, I'm stoked about showing everyone and seeing their reactions haha. Me and my cousin made this awesome song and music video thing. Funniest thing ever. At least to us.
So you know this GIRL. ugh. always problems with her. we can't hang out because she'll get in trouble and she probably cares about her other person more than me. That's totally fine. What I'm so choked about is her other person hates me. I have no idea why. I mean, I KNOW why, but come on, grow up. I'm past that shit now. I have been a long long time ago. It's time for you too. I know they've been through at lot of shit and I really feel bad, but that's another reason why you should just let shit with me go. You don't need anymore negative shit to deal with. I hope you guys are doing okay though. I really really hope it works out. I love her so much and I just want her to be happy. And I want to be a good friend but secretly, I'm not. I understand the situation and can deal with it. But, I'm a bad friend becuase I secretly get mad at her and feel hurt. I think it's stupid how she can't be how she is when she's alone with me. When we hang out, it's like old times where we can just open up to each other and talk and just have real moments like we used to. She's the only person that knows me and knows how I feel, even when I'm trying to hide it. I feel so comfortable around her. And she's the same for me. When we talk, it's like nothing ever happened and we're just best friends. But when I see her at any other time, it's completely different. She's dismissive, rushed and not the girl I know. I know this might just be becuase she doesn't want people to think the wrong things about us. I mean, she says we're still best friends and she's always there for me but it's just that she can't be like that ever becuase of certain circumstances. But I don't know if I can believe that. Maybe she's the one lying to me. Maybe she jsut pretends to be nice to be jsut so I would get off her back. It wouldn't be the first time I thought she felt some way when she acutally doesn't.
It's confusing. Sorry. Here, let's put it this way:
I'm going to have to deal with this shit. I'm used to it and I can do it. I want her to be happy. I'm just hurt that she can't be true to herself or me and it sucks I can't be happy too.
Also, for her other person:
Fuck you. Please, don't hate me. It's stupid to be like this still. I just want to be on good terms. If you can make her happy, then I love you too. As long as she's happy, I guess I'm happy. But come on, it'd be easier if could just make peace with me. Maybe just try? I want you to be happy too. I really really do man.
I hope I fucking make some music soon! Fuck.
I work at west49 now which is kinda killer.
The people are super cool and we listen to good music all day.
Well, usually. Some people have sweet music, others are alright.
I made a special mix on my shitty iPod shuffle with things that i thought were suitable for west49. I put on a whole bunch of hardcore intense shit. Now I put a whole bunch of random shit I like to show to other people. It's super cool. Lots of people listen to stuff I do and they show me stuff they'd think I like, so I do the same. I was stoked when I heard At the Drive-In and Vince Guaraldi Trio. Anyways, west is an awesome job. I already bought two pairs of shoes and I'm thinking of buying another. I think I'll get some pants there as well.
I'm pretty sure they like me. Maybe I'll get to stay after the holidays too. I'm working lots now. I mean you could say it's just becuase it's Christmas but some seasonal people don't even work at all.
I'm not making as much music as I'd like to. Actually I haven't made any music at all. Hopefully the band will get together and have at least a couple of good jams. My girl/guy band fell through. She stopped calling and stuff. I mean, she IS super super busy. I think it's just a commitment she can't make right now. I thought it was awesome though. Oh well. I don't want to bother her. I haven't sung and played guitar much on my own either. It sucks. I started playing classical again but I really am not getting into it becuase I can't find any songs that I really like. Oh well. In the new year I plan on doing it a lot more. I better.
I made a movie for my family for Christmas. I'm not even excited about Christmas itself, I'm stoked about showing everyone and seeing their reactions haha. Me and my cousin made this awesome song and music video thing. Funniest thing ever. At least to us.
So you know this GIRL. ugh. always problems with her. we can't hang out because she'll get in trouble and she probably cares about her other person more than me. That's totally fine. What I'm so choked about is her other person hates me. I have no idea why. I mean, I KNOW why, but come on, grow up. I'm past that shit now. I have been a long long time ago. It's time for you too. I know they've been through at lot of shit and I really feel bad, but that's another reason why you should just let shit with me go. You don't need anymore negative shit to deal with. I hope you guys are doing okay though. I really really hope it works out. I love her so much and I just want her to be happy. And I want to be a good friend but secretly, I'm not. I understand the situation and can deal with it. But, I'm a bad friend becuase I secretly get mad at her and feel hurt. I think it's stupid how she can't be how she is when she's alone with me. When we hang out, it's like old times where we can just open up to each other and talk and just have real moments like we used to. She's the only person that knows me and knows how I feel, even when I'm trying to hide it. I feel so comfortable around her. And she's the same for me. When we talk, it's like nothing ever happened and we're just best friends. But when I see her at any other time, it's completely different. She's dismissive, rushed and not the girl I know. I know this might just be becuase she doesn't want people to think the wrong things about us. I mean, she says we're still best friends and she's always there for me but it's just that she can't be like that ever becuase of certain circumstances. But I don't know if I can believe that. Maybe she's the one lying to me. Maybe she jsut pretends to be nice to be jsut so I would get off her back. It wouldn't be the first time I thought she felt some way when she acutally doesn't.
It's confusing. Sorry. Here, let's put it this way:
I'm going to have to deal with this shit. I'm used to it and I can do it. I want her to be happy. I'm just hurt that she can't be true to herself or me and it sucks I can't be happy too.
Also, for her other person:
Fuck you. Please, don't hate me. It's stupid to be like this still. I just want to be on good terms. If you can make her happy, then I love you too. As long as she's happy, I guess I'm happy. But come on, it'd be easier if could just make peace with me. Maybe just try? I want you to be happy too. I really really do man.
I hope I fucking make some music soon! Fuck.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Random text.
So I was texting my sick friend and trying to convince her to go for coffee with me.
She's obviously in no condition to go out but I was just teasing her and I really didn't want to study french anymore. Anyways, I started a text and all of a sudden, these random thoughts just came rushing out of my fingertips, so I just let them do their thing. I do not have strong strong feelings for this friend, thought it may seem I do. I just had some sort of inspiration and just went with it. I hope it at least made her feel less sick:
"But I'll piggy back you and everything. I'll make sure you stay cozy warm and I'll have a tissue on hand if you need to sneeze. My shoulder will be there to catch your head if you drift off to sleep. Your fingers will never be frozen becuase I'll keep your hands between mine. You won't feel sick becuase I'll be there with you."
I think I just channeled random romantic comedies I've seen. I've discovered I'm just a hopeless romantic looking for that perfect onscreen romance. Though those rarely happen, I hope that one day some special gal will be looking for the same thing and we can make each other happy.
She's obviously in no condition to go out but I was just teasing her and I really didn't want to study french anymore. Anyways, I started a text and all of a sudden, these random thoughts just came rushing out of my fingertips, so I just let them do their thing. I do not have strong strong feelings for this friend, thought it may seem I do. I just had some sort of inspiration and just went with it. I hope it at least made her feel less sick:
"But I'll piggy back you and everything. I'll make sure you stay cozy warm and I'll have a tissue on hand if you need to sneeze. My shoulder will be there to catch your head if you drift off to sleep. Your fingers will never be frozen becuase I'll keep your hands between mine. You won't feel sick becuase I'll be there with you."
I think I just channeled random romantic comedies I've seen. I've discovered I'm just a hopeless romantic looking for that perfect onscreen romance. Though those rarely happen, I hope that one day some special gal will be looking for the same thing and we can make each other happy.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Hot List
I've decided to create a list of all the famous/sub-famous females that I want to marry.
Here they are in no particular order:
- EMMA WATSON (I'D LET HER CAST A LEVEL 5 SEX SPELL ON ME ANYDAY)
- Jennifer Anniston (She's old, and hot)
- Sarah Silverman (Everyone thinks she's fug, but I think she's shmexy)
- Bianca Gross (Spenny's cousin from Kenny Vs. Spenny)
- Kristen Stewart (She's a year younger than me. Awesome)
- Sally Gifford (She hosted this kids show and is that farting pizza pop girl)
- Natalie Portman (I really want to watch Garden State now)
- Lisa Hannigan (Literally an angel)
- Amanda Peet (She has a rope collection she is very fond of. Awesome)
- Other randoms I can't remember right now
I highly recommend that you look up pictures of all these fine specimens.
I will regularly update this, so keep checking back!
Here they are in no particular order:
- EMMA WATSON (I'D LET HER CAST A LEVEL 5 SEX SPELL ON ME ANYDAY)
- Jennifer Anniston (She's old, and hot)
- Sarah Silverman (Everyone thinks she's fug, but I think she's shmexy)
- Bianca Gross (Spenny's cousin from Kenny Vs. Spenny)
- Kristen Stewart (She's a year younger than me. Awesome)
- Sally Gifford (She hosted this kids show and is that farting pizza pop girl)
- Natalie Portman (I really want to watch Garden State now)
- Lisa Hannigan (Literally an angel)
- Amanda Peet (She has a rope collection she is very fond of. Awesome)
- Other randoms I can't remember right now
I highly recommend that you look up pictures of all these fine specimens.
I will regularly update this, so keep checking back!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
In Real Life...
...things that happen in fairy tales don't happen.
I'm thinking it was a bad idea now to give her that.
I just doomed a great friendship into an awkward acquaintance scenario.
Letting her know how I feel probably wasn't worth not seeing her again.
Oh well. I THINK it was worth it.
I started to feel myself becoming awkward and shy around her and not being able to look her in the eyes. She'd think I was weird if I kept that up! At least I ended it with a bang!
Plus, I felt so awkward when I saw her boyfriend. I felt bad when he said "Oh, are you hanging out with her today?". So I'm kinda doing him a favour.
I've always thought of myself as a disposable friend anyways so she'll be fine.
Ugh. But will I?
I'm just a hopeless romantic. I'll get over it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secrets:
I don't know who you are. Maybe I do and I'm just lying to myself.
I'd like to go to the way we were but it will never happen. Too much stuff has happened.
I hope this work out because this is something that I'm genuinely excited about.
I'm thinking it was a bad idea now to give her that.
I just doomed a great friendship into an awkward acquaintance scenario.
Letting her know how I feel probably wasn't worth not seeing her again.
Oh well. I THINK it was worth it.
I started to feel myself becoming awkward and shy around her and not being able to look her in the eyes. She'd think I was weird if I kept that up! At least I ended it with a bang!
Plus, I felt so awkward when I saw her boyfriend. I felt bad when he said "Oh, are you hanging out with her today?". So I'm kinda doing him a favour.
I've always thought of myself as a disposable friend anyways so she'll be fine.
Ugh. But will I?
I'm just a hopeless romantic. I'll get over it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secrets:
I don't know who you are. Maybe I do and I'm just lying to myself.
I'd like to go to the way we were but it will never happen. Too much stuff has happened.
I hope this work out because this is something that I'm genuinely excited about.
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