Life of Pi

"What a terrible thing it is to botch a farewell. I am a person who believes in form, in the harmony of order. Where we can, we must give things a meaningful shape...
...It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse. That bungled goodbye hurts me to this day"


This was a great book.

Uh.

I'm a fucking drama queen.
I'm alright now.
I'm studying for french, I'm practicing for our show at dylan o'connors, I love my best friend, I'm moving out tomorrow.
I'm okay now. I'm okay!

But don't come out to dylan's on thursday.
It'll be a gong show. But we'll play our hearts out.
We've only practiced twice and once more RIGHT before the show.
Fuck.
Oh yeah, I'm playing drums on one song :S
(I don't think my best friend is coming. She has a date that day.)

Pressure.

I think I'm going to explode.
A week ago, I was so stoked on life.
Everything was going how I wanted it to.
I was moving out, I was ready to start enjoying summer and experience things with someone very close to me. I had two tests to study for but it didn't matter. I'd get through them and then summer would be on the other side.

Now, the present.
I'm going to explode.
I move out tomorrow or the day after. I have to pay first month's rent. I don't have a job yet.
Now my plans for an amazing summer are starting to fade. I'm going to have to take that full time contracted job for the summer to make it through. If I decide to do it, I'm in for four months. No backing out. I'm really stressed about my mom moving and I'm sad she's leaving but also frustrated because she thinks I can't make it on my own. My sister is being a bitch and I don't want to see her. I'm going to avoid her at all costs, I just can't handle her right now.
The tests are this week and I haven't started studying. Well I have, but not as much as I should have. And I know I'm going to have a hard time studying with all these thoughts in my head.
The thing that saddens me the most is that the person I was supposed to do everything with in the summer, is leaving me. Not physically, but I can't do all these things. It hurts to see her fall in love. She'll falling in love. I can't see her anymore. I want to stop seeing her. She says nothing is changed but it will. I can't do it again. I can't bare to watch us crumbling. Coming apart and she won't even notice. She'll be too busy, preoccupied, and happy. Happy. Last week I thought I made her happy. What a fool I was. She just needed a fix. She doens't need me but she makes you think she does.

Fuck this. Fuck her.
I'm going to explode.
I'm going to explode then get over it.
Stand up, dust myself off and just keep going.
Still, I'm going to explode.

Catching Up

I'll try to start posting more!
People are sharing their feeling with me and I feel as though I'm not contributing back at all.

I move out in T-minus less than a week. Kinda awesome, kinda not. I'm going to miss my mother terribly, it's a shitty deal. I don't care, I'm kind of a momma's boy but she went through a lot of shit while I was growing up. Single mother, supporting two kids, working everyday, never having time off. I'm so glad she's with my step dad because they love each other so much and she's so happy. I'm also glad she won't have to work here anymore in this shitty neighbourhood and she's going ot go have some fun finally! :)

In other news, I'm in an awkward situation. I get it. I'm okay with it. But I'll always still want what to be with you. I don't know how you feel. You tell me your so comfortable around me and that we're so perfect but you don't want us. At least right now. It makes sense. Actually. I want other people right now too. I guess I'm just scared that you'll find someone better and I won't. Because, frankly, in my eyes, I don't think there is anyone better than you.

This final note is for every girl who reads my blog and for every girl I haven't met yet or never will:

You're beautiful.

OOHHH YEAAH.

On Wednesday, I drove through the end of a rainbow.
The colours were RIGHT in front of me.


Yesterday, I ripped my shoe at work.
Ugh.

The Good Life

I feel purpose now.

Well, no. I just don't feel useless anymore.

Volunteering at the school is great!

All the kids are super cute and really want to be there.

I mean, of course they'll have focus issues seeing that they're kids, but other than small things like that, they really do enjoy music.

There's this one kid specifically, he was the only one who came to practice today and it was awesome. He's so talented on guitar and has such a great ear for things.

He figured out the melody to "I Walk the Line" by JC and we jammed that. I also am currently teaching him the first part to 'Thunderstruck'. He picked it up unbelievably fast. I KNOW that if this kid can stay out of trouble and keeps to it, he'll be great. He is already great. It just made me feel so good about everything, he has such a big energy to him. He's only in grade 6.

I also have been reading books, which is recent. I'm going to do it regularly.

I read this one book, very shittily written, but with interesting idea/points.

It mentions how you have to look at everyday coincidences as something that happened for a reason. It shows you that you're doing the right thing and just to keep going.

So many of these things are happening to me lately.

A super super good friend of mine I have been estranged from for a couple months, the one I consistently whine about on here (Sorry) turned out to be volunteering there too. COMPLETE fluke. It was just so weird. So we went in and volunteered together today. We went out after and went to the library, talked over coffee and lunch, went for a walk. While we were on our excursion, there was a busker. What? Yeah. He was singing 'I Walk the Line'.

I'm doing the right thing.

yaaaah.

I fell in love with a girl driving an old burgandy corolla today.
I was driving home and she appeared beside me.
Just the awkward, 'I wonder who's driving next to me' glance.
She was beautiful. She was wearing a silver scarf.
We drove beside each other for a solid twenty minutes.
Of course I was not going to be creepy and turn to look at her.
We playfully drove, beside each other, me taking the lead, and then sometimes her.
At a set of lights, I decided to take a chance and turn my head.
She had a five dollar bill and was rolling down her window.
She yelled "Hey", and a panhandler on the boulevard came running towards her window.
He took the money without saying a word and walked away.
This is when I knew I was in love. She was not only beautiul but kind hearted as well.
As we continued to drive, I wanted to take one more look my new admiree before I had to make my turn.
Just as I turned my head, she, at that exact moment, started to take her turn; the opposite way.

Even though I'm a total creep and I have no idea who she is, in that 27 minutes drive, I fell in love and and got my heart broken. I love you old burgandy corolla silver scarf girl.