Life of Pi

"What a terrible thing it is to botch a farewell. I am a person who believes in form, in the harmony of order. Where we can, we must give things a meaningful shape...
...It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse. That bungled goodbye hurts me to this day"


This was a great book.

Uh.

I'm a fucking drama queen.
I'm alright now.
I'm studying for french, I'm practicing for our show at dylan o'connors, I love my best friend, I'm moving out tomorrow.
I'm okay now. I'm okay!

But don't come out to dylan's on thursday.
It'll be a gong show. But we'll play our hearts out.
We've only practiced twice and once more RIGHT before the show.
Fuck.
Oh yeah, I'm playing drums on one song :S
(I don't think my best friend is coming. She has a date that day.)

Pressure.

I think I'm going to explode.
A week ago, I was so stoked on life.
Everything was going how I wanted it to.
I was moving out, I was ready to start enjoying summer and experience things with someone very close to me. I had two tests to study for but it didn't matter. I'd get through them and then summer would be on the other side.

Now, the present.
I'm going to explode.
I move out tomorrow or the day after. I have to pay first month's rent. I don't have a job yet.
Now my plans for an amazing summer are starting to fade. I'm going to have to take that full time contracted job for the summer to make it through. If I decide to do it, I'm in for four months. No backing out. I'm really stressed about my mom moving and I'm sad she's leaving but also frustrated because she thinks I can't make it on my own. My sister is being a bitch and I don't want to see her. I'm going to avoid her at all costs, I just can't handle her right now.
The tests are this week and I haven't started studying. Well I have, but not as much as I should have. And I know I'm going to have a hard time studying with all these thoughts in my head.
The thing that saddens me the most is that the person I was supposed to do everything with in the summer, is leaving me. Not physically, but I can't do all these things. It hurts to see her fall in love. She'll falling in love. I can't see her anymore. I want to stop seeing her. She says nothing is changed but it will. I can't do it again. I can't bare to watch us crumbling. Coming apart and she won't even notice. She'll be too busy, preoccupied, and happy. Happy. Last week I thought I made her happy. What a fool I was. She just needed a fix. She doens't need me but she makes you think she does.

Fuck this. Fuck her.
I'm going to explode.
I'm going to explode then get over it.
Stand up, dust myself off and just keep going.
Still, I'm going to explode.

Catching Up

I'll try to start posting more!
People are sharing their feeling with me and I feel as though I'm not contributing back at all.

I move out in T-minus less than a week. Kinda awesome, kinda not. I'm going to miss my mother terribly, it's a shitty deal. I don't care, I'm kind of a momma's boy but she went through a lot of shit while I was growing up. Single mother, supporting two kids, working everyday, never having time off. I'm so glad she's with my step dad because they love each other so much and she's so happy. I'm also glad she won't have to work here anymore in this shitty neighbourhood and she's going ot go have some fun finally! :)

In other news, I'm in an awkward situation. I get it. I'm okay with it. But I'll always still want what to be with you. I don't know how you feel. You tell me your so comfortable around me and that we're so perfect but you don't want us. At least right now. It makes sense. Actually. I want other people right now too. I guess I'm just scared that you'll find someone better and I won't. Because, frankly, in my eyes, I don't think there is anyone better than you.

This final note is for every girl who reads my blog and for every girl I haven't met yet or never will:

You're beautiful.

OOHHH YEAAH.

On Wednesday, I drove through the end of a rainbow.
The colours were RIGHT in front of me.


Yesterday, I ripped my shoe at work.
Ugh.

The Good Life

I feel purpose now.

Well, no. I just don't feel useless anymore.

Volunteering at the school is great!

All the kids are super cute and really want to be there.

I mean, of course they'll have focus issues seeing that they're kids, but other than small things like that, they really do enjoy music.

There's this one kid specifically, he was the only one who came to practice today and it was awesome. He's so talented on guitar and has such a great ear for things.

He figured out the melody to "I Walk the Line" by JC and we jammed that. I also am currently teaching him the first part to 'Thunderstruck'. He picked it up unbelievably fast. I KNOW that if this kid can stay out of trouble and keeps to it, he'll be great. He is already great. It just made me feel so good about everything, he has such a big energy to him. He's only in grade 6.

I also have been reading books, which is recent. I'm going to do it regularly.

I read this one book, very shittily written, but with interesting idea/points.

It mentions how you have to look at everyday coincidences as something that happened for a reason. It shows you that you're doing the right thing and just to keep going.

So many of these things are happening to me lately.

A super super good friend of mine I have been estranged from for a couple months, the one I consistently whine about on here (Sorry) turned out to be volunteering there too. COMPLETE fluke. It was just so weird. So we went in and volunteered together today. We went out after and went to the library, talked over coffee and lunch, went for a walk. While we were on our excursion, there was a busker. What? Yeah. He was singing 'I Walk the Line'.

I'm doing the right thing.

yaaaah.

I fell in love with a girl driving an old burgandy corolla today.
I was driving home and she appeared beside me.
Just the awkward, 'I wonder who's driving next to me' glance.
She was beautiful. She was wearing a silver scarf.
We drove beside each other for a solid twenty minutes.
Of course I was not going to be creepy and turn to look at her.
We playfully drove, beside each other, me taking the lead, and then sometimes her.
At a set of lights, I decided to take a chance and turn my head.
She had a five dollar bill and was rolling down her window.
She yelled "Hey", and a panhandler on the boulevard came running towards her window.
He took the money without saying a word and walked away.
This is when I knew I was in love. She was not only beautiul but kind hearted as well.
As we continued to drive, I wanted to take one more look my new admiree before I had to make my turn.
Just as I turned my head, she, at that exact moment, started to take her turn; the opposite way.

Even though I'm a total creep and I have no idea who she is, in that 27 minutes drive, I fell in love and and got my heart broken. I love you old burgandy corolla silver scarf girl.

LIFE UPDATE.

1) Working a minimal amount of shifts and West49 now since it's January but still lovin' it. Might get hired at the folk fest store! Just need to call him on Tuesday. Fuck. So stoked.

2) Volunteering at an inner city school teaching kids how to play guitar and keyboard! I hope they need my assistance. I'm pretty sure I'll love doing it.

3) Choir thing for Zalis' 'world premiere' is starting up again. I'm glad to be singing with a group of people again.

4) I met this super interesting girl. SUPER interesting.

5) I'm going to MC Gordie's Coffeehouse on occasion now too!

Thoughts.

1) I think we're done.
This sucks.

2) I want to make music.
Lots and lots of kinds.

3) I like going to school.
It gives me something to do.

4) I love working at West49.
Doesn't even feel like work, just a solid hang sesh for 9 hours.

5) I saw that cute girl from my music class last semester.
She's still cute.

6) Friends...
Is such a good show.

7) The Mueseum of Man & Nature is awesome.
I wish we'd practice more.

8) People should stop blaming other people.
That's what comes with your choices you've made.

9) I'm fat now.
Get in shape for Hawaii.

10) I'd wait for 50 years for you to be ready.
As long as we can be chums again.

New Year

I am and will be a disposable friend for my entire life.
In 2008 I've lost so many people by just losing contact with them and I've lost chances to meet so many new people because I just get sad and miss the old ones.
It's really shitty when I think about it.

The thing that triggered it right now was, I was talking to my penpal/friend from New Zealand on msn just now and hassled her about how she never ever called once, or never sends letter and makes a decent effort to stay in touch other than the odd msn conversation. She told me she's too busy and doesn't have time to sit around the computer for hours on end because she has a life. She strongly implied I did not have one. I didn't ask her to talk to me for 5 hours on the phone or even on the computer, all I wanted was to know she still thought about me. In our history of around 7 years of knowing each other, we maintained a pretty strong relationship but I noticed I only have 5 letters from her. I'm the one who's always called her. Maybe she just grew out of this whole thing, it is kinda lame, but we were such good friends for a long time. Anyways, we had an argument and she hurt me. It's weird that I haven't ever met her once and she's halfway around the world but she still has the ability to hurt me. I don't think we're talking again. I don't know if I'd want to and she probably doesn't care. I deleted her e-mail, her number and her address. Of course those are all memorized but I know time will make me forget. She's already forgotten.

My ex-girlfriend is another big one. Our history has been so confusing and we've tried to work it out, maybe we have, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel that she too, has given up on me. I'm not worth fighting for and she doesn't have time to care about me. I know this sounds all so selfish, it is, but I don't see why people can't try. I try so hard, but I'm scared of coming off too strong so I don't talk to them. But then I think that if i don't talk to them, they'll forget completely. I really wish this would come out clearer rather than this jumbled mess it coming out as. It's sad that people forget all the memories and replace them. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do though. Erase and replace. Kill off the character so you can bring in a newer, younger, handsomer one. I HATE the idea of that. What was the point of going through all that fucking shit if you're not going to cherish it later.

There's nothing special about me. I'm not especially talented in any way, I don't change peoples lives, fuck, I don't even change people's minds. That's why people can forget about me so easily. Do I have to change myself? Make myself into someone else that can leave an impression on someone's mind? Why can't I just be myself?

Maybe I dwell on things past too much and I need to keep moving forward. It just makes me fucking sad. I often wonder what would happen if I were to die. OBV these thoughts are nothing to do with suicide or anything! never! but what would happen if I just disappeared? No stories would appear in the newspapers or anything. Just vanish. My NZ girl would never know so that works out well. No one I know right now would think twice about me not texting them back or answering calls. I don't think any of the people I know would get concerned to ask about me. I think I'd be successful in just disappearing. I will try that one day. Just pack up and leave. I can start over. Fuck, thinking about this is suuuper depressing. I mean everyone has those couple people or that one someone that is always there for them and know whats up. I don't have one. I've been living my whole life as a drifter, I just float around in and out of existence. One person has said she's always there for me no matter what. How can she if she can't even talk to me without having to look behind her shoulder or feel bad about it. She's the closest thing I have to a best friend and she's not even close.

I'm selfish. This whole entry is just narcissistic and in vein. I whine too much.
I'm going to disappear one day though and you'll never know.
Maybe you'll see me in the news one day because of my successful coconut beverage shop I started in Fiji.

December

...is going all right.

I work at west49 now which is kinda killer.
The people are super cool and we listen to good music all day.
Well, usually. Some people have sweet music, others are alright.
I made a special mix on my shitty iPod shuffle with things that i thought were suitable for west49. I put on a whole bunch of hardcore intense shit. Now I put a whole bunch of random shit I like to show to other people. It's super cool. Lots of people listen to stuff I do and they show me stuff they'd think I like, so I do the same. I was stoked when I heard At the Drive-In and Vince Guaraldi Trio. Anyways, west is an awesome job. I already bought two pairs of shoes and I'm thinking of buying another. I think I'll get some pants there as well.
I'm pretty sure they like me. Maybe I'll get to stay after the holidays too. I'm working lots now. I mean you could say it's just becuase it's Christmas but some seasonal people don't even work at all.

I'm not making as much music as I'd like to. Actually I haven't made any music at all. Hopefully the band will get together and have at least a couple of good jams. My girl/guy band fell through. She stopped calling and stuff. I mean, she IS super super busy. I think it's just a commitment she can't make right now. I thought it was awesome though. Oh well. I don't want to bother her. I haven't sung and played guitar much on my own either. It sucks. I started playing classical again but I really am not getting into it becuase I can't find any songs that I really like. Oh well. In the new year I plan on doing it a lot more. I better.

I made a movie for my family for Christmas. I'm not even excited about Christmas itself, I'm stoked about showing everyone and seeing their reactions haha. Me and my cousin made this awesome song and music video thing. Funniest thing ever. At least to us.

So you know this GIRL. ugh. always problems with her. we can't hang out because she'll get in trouble and she probably cares about her other person more than me. That's totally fine. What I'm so choked about is her other person hates me. I have no idea why. I mean, I KNOW why, but come on, grow up. I'm past that shit now. I have been a long long time ago. It's time for you too. I know they've been through at lot of shit and I really feel bad, but that's another reason why you should just let shit with me go. You don't need anymore negative shit to deal with. I hope you guys are doing okay though. I really really hope it works out. I love her so much and I just want her to be happy. And I want to be a good friend but secretly, I'm not. I understand the situation and can deal with it. But, I'm a bad friend becuase I secretly get mad at her and feel hurt. I think it's stupid how she can't be how she is when she's alone with me. When we hang out, it's like old times where we can just open up to each other and talk and just have real moments like we used to. She's the only person that knows me and knows how I feel, even when I'm trying to hide it. I feel so comfortable around her. And she's the same for me. When we talk, it's like nothing ever happened and we're just best friends. But when I see her at any other time, it's completely different. She's dismissive, rushed and not the girl I know. I know this might just be becuase she doesn't want people to think the wrong things about us. I mean, she says we're still best friends and she's always there for me but it's just that she can't be like that ever becuase of certain circumstances. But I don't know if I can believe that. Maybe she's the one lying to me. Maybe she jsut pretends to be nice to be jsut so I would get off her back. It wouldn't be the first time I thought she felt some way when she acutally doesn't.

It's confusing. Sorry. Here, let's put it this way:
I'm going to have to deal with this shit. I'm used to it and I can do it. I want her to be happy. I'm just hurt that she can't be true to herself or me and it sucks I can't be happy too.

Also, for her other person:
Fuck you. Please, don't hate me. It's stupid to be like this still. I just want to be on good terms. If you can make her happy, then I love you too. As long as she's happy, I guess I'm happy. But come on, it'd be easier if could just make peace with me. Maybe just try? I want you to be happy too. I really really do man.


I hope I fucking make some music soon! Fuck.

Random text.

So I was texting my sick friend and trying to convince her to go for coffee with me.
She's obviously in no condition to go out but I was just teasing her and I really didn't want to study french anymore. Anyways, I started a text and all of a sudden, these random thoughts just came rushing out of my fingertips, so I just let them do their thing. I do not have strong strong feelings for this friend, thought it may seem I do. I just had some sort of inspiration and just went with it. I hope it at least made her feel less sick:

"But I'll piggy back you and everything. I'll make sure you stay cozy warm and I'll have a tissue on hand if you need to sneeze. My shoulder will be there to catch your head if you drift off to sleep. Your fingers will never be frozen becuase I'll keep your hands between mine. You won't feel sick becuase I'll be there with you."

I think I just channeled random romantic comedies I've seen. I've discovered I'm just a hopeless romantic looking for that perfect onscreen romance. Though those rarely happen, I hope that one day some special gal will be looking for the same thing and we can make each other happy.

Hot List

I've decided to create a list of all the famous/sub-famous females that I want to marry.
Here they are in no particular order:

- EMMA WATSON (I'D LET HER CAST A LEVEL 5 SEX SPELL ON ME ANYDAY)
- Jennifer Anniston (She's old, and hot)
- Sarah Silverman (Everyone thinks she's fug, but I think she's shmexy)
- Bianca Gross (Spenny's cousin from Kenny Vs. Spenny)
- Kristen Stewart (She's a year younger than me. Awesome)
- Sally Gifford (She hosted this kids show and is that farting pizza pop girl)
- Natalie Portman (I really want to watch Garden State now)
- Lisa Hannigan (Literally an angel)
- Amanda Peet (She has a rope collection she is very fond of. Awesome)
- Other randoms I can't remember right now

I highly recommend that you look up pictures of all these fine specimens.
I will regularly update this, so keep checking back!

In Real Life...

...things that happen in fairy tales don't happen.
I'm thinking it was a bad idea now to give her that.
I just doomed a great friendship into an awkward acquaintance scenario.
Letting her know how I feel probably wasn't worth not seeing her again.
Oh well. I THINK it was worth it.
I started to feel myself becoming awkward and shy around her and not being able to look her in the eyes. She'd think I was weird if I kept that up! At least I ended it with a bang!
Plus, I felt so awkward when I saw her boyfriend. I felt bad when he said "Oh, are you hanging out with her today?". So I'm kinda doing him a favour.
I've always thought of myself as a disposable friend anyways so she'll be fine.
Ugh. But will I?
I'm just a hopeless romantic. I'll get over it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Secrets:

I don't know who you are. Maybe I do and I'm just lying to myself.

I'd like to go to the way we were but it will never happen. Too much stuff has happened.

I hope this work out because this is something that I'm genuinely excited about.

The Lonely Singer

Once upon a time there was a boy who played guitar and sung lonely love songs.

One day, he saw a picture of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

He asked everyone in the village if they knew who she was.

His friend, Noel, said he knew.

The lonely singer excitedly asked for the identity of this girl.

Noel replied and told him that her name was Robbins.

Ecstatic that he now knew her name, the lonely singer then went and tried to befriend the
charming Robbins.

He made weak attempts to talk to her but he realized he was quite shy and could not show her how much he liked her.

Unfortunately, because of this, he was scared off and didn't talk to her for some quite time.


2 YEARS LATER


The lonely singer had grown up a lot during past the two years.

He had loved and lost, he had been happy and sad.

But he was still the boy who played guitar and sang lonely love songs.

By a twist of fate, he came across the radiant Robbins at the town square.

Not seeing each other for a long period of time, they thought it would be a good idea to catch up.

They conversed over hot tea many times talking about life and events that had come and gone.

While talking, the subject of relationships arose.

Robbins was happily in a relationship with a fine fellow at the time.

She talked about all their experiences and happiness.

The lonely singer was so happy that his friend was so happy and in love but couldn't help but feel a little saddened.

He had realized how much he enjoyed her company over the warm mugs of tea and chit chat.

But, he ignored these feelings for Robbins because he knew it was not the right time and he also knew it would never work out.

The lonely singer and Robbins continued to get together and go to artistic events and have their chit chats after.

One time, during an outing to a great cinematopraphic production, which involved much singing and dancing,the lonely singer turned to look at Robbins. He thought about how much he enjoyed her company.

End of Part One.




PLEASE CONTACT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ PART TWO.

Ps.

obviously the /clapclapclapclap was referring to the claps in the Friend's theme song.
Did you know it didn't start out as claps?
It started out as a shitty drum machine fill, then when they recorded it, the drummer didn't do a fill there so they just clapped it out temporarily. They all thought it was so lame and shitty but then it grew on them and they kept the claps!

/ClapClapClapClap.

Friends is one of the best shows ever created.
It is hanging up there with Seinfeld.
I'm looking at the word 'seinfeld' and right now I don't see it as a name, I see it as two different components, 'sein' and 'feld', that make up a weird looking word. It's strange. Sometimes I just fall into amazement about language and how we don't think about it. I'll look at a word or a say a word and it just won't make sense to me. I imagine in my head, how it's spelt but the letters just seem like random characters and the word in whole will just be meaningless. I think I do it on purpose. Maybe to make it seem like language is more important and meaningful and to respect it? Maybe.

But, back to the point. I love friends. I can't stand watching the super old episodes though. It has to be of the last 4 seasons. I just can't stand watching so far back and knowing what already is going to happen. Also it's an old ass show so the early episodes are shitty old school quality and i can't stand looking at joey's ug-o hair. Fuck Rachael is hot. She's like, almost 40? maybe. late thirties. john mayer, you got it good. i hope you make use of that. dayum. i apologize, dear readers. I'd like to be some girl's ross. I want to be ross for a girl. Actually, I just want to date Jennifer Anniston. Watching shows like these always give me hope that things will work out in the end. I watched run fat boy run on the weekend and that also gave me that warm tingly feeling that things can get super shitty but will work out when they're supposed to.

So someone I know is going through shit I went through, well, almost 7 months ago. Fuck. It's been forever. But it seems like it just happened sometimes. Weird. It's really shitty. But like, I know I can't offer advice becuase I know how it feels and you just have to figure out your own way to do things. Hopefully you can be on good terms eventually. It's almost as good. it's better than nothing. But until then, shitty bro. It'll smoothen out.

When I thought about what he was going through, I was thought, wow. I was really close to this girl. I can't believe the things I told her and how much I opened uo to her. I've never been that close to anyone in my life. How we shared so many things and experiences together. It's weird that it doesn't matter now. Well I mean, it DOES matter, and I've grown up so much from it, but they don't mean the same thing as the used to and might never mean the same thing ever again. Like, I can't even imagine getting intimate with her now. Sure, I can close my eyes and I'll be toastin' in bed with Jenifer Anniston or maybe Monica (she looked good in today's episode) but I can't with her. A girl who I had been in love with and been together for a year, I can't even imagine kissing now. I jsut feel awkard even thinking about it. Things have rewound. If that oppourtunity arose, I'd have to start from scratch. I'd probably be all shy and shit like I used to when I first met her. I'd probably be all fucked up and confusing and unsure and shy and awkward. Weird! Aw, well. It won't happen. And I'm kinda glad. I'm a little scared now about how I would react. Would it just be like old times or would it have to be rebuilt from scratch? Well Rachael and Ross alwayts broke up and jsut randomly hooked back up again with no problem. Well obviously problems but they're underlying love for each other was always there which made it easier.
This might be the stupidest post written in the entire world today.

Anyways, Friends. Awesome show. Me and my mother bond together watching it. Pretty awesome time.

Come to Gordie's tomorrow. I'm stoked.

lata.

OBAMA 2008

I really hope every one is happy that they've chosen the best man to be president and not only happy that they've chosen a black man to be president.

Cry School Musical: Post-Revisit

For those of you that are curious: Yep. It was a one time thing.

Cry School Musical: Revisted

I have to take my brother to go see it in an hour.
Fuck.
I really hope that it was a one time thing.