Uh.

I'm a fucking drama queen.
I'm alright now.
I'm studying for french, I'm practicing for our show at dylan o'connors, I love my best friend, I'm moving out tomorrow.
I'm okay now. I'm okay!

But don't come out to dylan's on thursday.
It'll be a gong show. But we'll play our hearts out.
We've only practiced twice and once more RIGHT before the show.
Fuck.
Oh yeah, I'm playing drums on one song :S
(I don't think my best friend is coming. She has a date that day.)

Pressure.

I think I'm going to explode.
A week ago, I was so stoked on life.
Everything was going how I wanted it to.
I was moving out, I was ready to start enjoying summer and experience things with someone very close to me. I had two tests to study for but it didn't matter. I'd get through them and then summer would be on the other side.

Now, the present.
I'm going to explode.
I move out tomorrow or the day after. I have to pay first month's rent. I don't have a job yet.
Now my plans for an amazing summer are starting to fade. I'm going to have to take that full time contracted job for the summer to make it through. If I decide to do it, I'm in for four months. No backing out. I'm really stressed about my mom moving and I'm sad she's leaving but also frustrated because she thinks I can't make it on my own. My sister is being a bitch and I don't want to see her. I'm going to avoid her at all costs, I just can't handle her right now.
The tests are this week and I haven't started studying. Well I have, but not as much as I should have. And I know I'm going to have a hard time studying with all these thoughts in my head.
The thing that saddens me the most is that the person I was supposed to do everything with in the summer, is leaving me. Not physically, but I can't do all these things. It hurts to see her fall in love. She'll falling in love. I can't see her anymore. I want to stop seeing her. She says nothing is changed but it will. I can't do it again. I can't bare to watch us crumbling. Coming apart and she won't even notice. She'll be too busy, preoccupied, and happy. Happy. Last week I thought I made her happy. What a fool I was. She just needed a fix. She doens't need me but she makes you think she does.

Fuck this. Fuck her.
I'm going to explode.
I'm going to explode then get over it.
Stand up, dust myself off and just keep going.
Still, I'm going to explode.

Catching Up

I'll try to start posting more!
People are sharing their feeling with me and I feel as though I'm not contributing back at all.

I move out in T-minus less than a week. Kinda awesome, kinda not. I'm going to miss my mother terribly, it's a shitty deal. I don't care, I'm kind of a momma's boy but she went through a lot of shit while I was growing up. Single mother, supporting two kids, working everyday, never having time off. I'm so glad she's with my step dad because they love each other so much and she's so happy. I'm also glad she won't have to work here anymore in this shitty neighbourhood and she's going ot go have some fun finally! :)

In other news, I'm in an awkward situation. I get it. I'm okay with it. But I'll always still want what to be with you. I don't know how you feel. You tell me your so comfortable around me and that we're so perfect but you don't want us. At least right now. It makes sense. Actually. I want other people right now too. I guess I'm just scared that you'll find someone better and I won't. Because, frankly, in my eyes, I don't think there is anyone better than you.

This final note is for every girl who reads my blog and for every girl I haven't met yet or never will:

You're beautiful.