New Year

I am and will be a disposable friend for my entire life.
In 2008 I've lost so many people by just losing contact with them and I've lost chances to meet so many new people because I just get sad and miss the old ones.
It's really shitty when I think about it.

The thing that triggered it right now was, I was talking to my penpal/friend from New Zealand on msn just now and hassled her about how she never ever called once, or never sends letter and makes a decent effort to stay in touch other than the odd msn conversation. She told me she's too busy and doesn't have time to sit around the computer for hours on end because she has a life. She strongly implied I did not have one. I didn't ask her to talk to me for 5 hours on the phone or even on the computer, all I wanted was to know she still thought about me. In our history of around 7 years of knowing each other, we maintained a pretty strong relationship but I noticed I only have 5 letters from her. I'm the one who's always called her. Maybe she just grew out of this whole thing, it is kinda lame, but we were such good friends for a long time. Anyways, we had an argument and she hurt me. It's weird that I haven't ever met her once and she's halfway around the world but she still has the ability to hurt me. I don't think we're talking again. I don't know if I'd want to and she probably doesn't care. I deleted her e-mail, her number and her address. Of course those are all memorized but I know time will make me forget. She's already forgotten.

My ex-girlfriend is another big one. Our history has been so confusing and we've tried to work it out, maybe we have, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel that she too, has given up on me. I'm not worth fighting for and she doesn't have time to care about me. I know this sounds all so selfish, it is, but I don't see why people can't try. I try so hard, but I'm scared of coming off too strong so I don't talk to them. But then I think that if i don't talk to them, they'll forget completely. I really wish this would come out clearer rather than this jumbled mess it coming out as. It's sad that people forget all the memories and replace them. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do though. Erase and replace. Kill off the character so you can bring in a newer, younger, handsomer one. I HATE the idea of that. What was the point of going through all that fucking shit if you're not going to cherish it later.

There's nothing special about me. I'm not especially talented in any way, I don't change peoples lives, fuck, I don't even change people's minds. That's why people can forget about me so easily. Do I have to change myself? Make myself into someone else that can leave an impression on someone's mind? Why can't I just be myself?

Maybe I dwell on things past too much and I need to keep moving forward. It just makes me fucking sad. I often wonder what would happen if I were to die. OBV these thoughts are nothing to do with suicide or anything! never! but what would happen if I just disappeared? No stories would appear in the newspapers or anything. Just vanish. My NZ girl would never know so that works out well. No one I know right now would think twice about me not texting them back or answering calls. I don't think any of the people I know would get concerned to ask about me. I think I'd be successful in just disappearing. I will try that one day. Just pack up and leave. I can start over. Fuck, thinking about this is suuuper depressing. I mean everyone has those couple people or that one someone that is always there for them and know whats up. I don't have one. I've been living my whole life as a drifter, I just float around in and out of existence. One person has said she's always there for me no matter what. How can she if she can't even talk to me without having to look behind her shoulder or feel bad about it. She's the closest thing I have to a best friend and she's not even close.

I'm selfish. This whole entry is just narcissistic and in vein. I whine too much.
I'm going to disappear one day though and you'll never know.
Maybe you'll see me in the news one day because of my successful coconut beverage shop I started in Fiji.