Life of Pi

"What a terrible thing it is to botch a farewell. I am a person who believes in form, in the harmony of order. Where we can, we must give things a meaningful shape...
...It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse. That bungled goodbye hurts me to this day"


This was a great book.

Uh.

I'm a fucking drama queen.
I'm alright now.
I'm studying for french, I'm practicing for our show at dylan o'connors, I love my best friend, I'm moving out tomorrow.
I'm okay now. I'm okay!

But don't come out to dylan's on thursday.
It'll be a gong show. But we'll play our hearts out.
We've only practiced twice and once more RIGHT before the show.
Fuck.
Oh yeah, I'm playing drums on one song :S
(I don't think my best friend is coming. She has a date that day.)

Pressure.

I think I'm going to explode.
A week ago, I was so stoked on life.
Everything was going how I wanted it to.
I was moving out, I was ready to start enjoying summer and experience things with someone very close to me. I had two tests to study for but it didn't matter. I'd get through them and then summer would be on the other side.

Now, the present.
I'm going to explode.
I move out tomorrow or the day after. I have to pay first month's rent. I don't have a job yet.
Now my plans for an amazing summer are starting to fade. I'm going to have to take that full time contracted job for the summer to make it through. If I decide to do it, I'm in for four months. No backing out. I'm really stressed about my mom moving and I'm sad she's leaving but also frustrated because she thinks I can't make it on my own. My sister is being a bitch and I don't want to see her. I'm going to avoid her at all costs, I just can't handle her right now.
The tests are this week and I haven't started studying. Well I have, but not as much as I should have. And I know I'm going to have a hard time studying with all these thoughts in my head.
The thing that saddens me the most is that the person I was supposed to do everything with in the summer, is leaving me. Not physically, but I can't do all these things. It hurts to see her fall in love. She'll falling in love. I can't see her anymore. I want to stop seeing her. She says nothing is changed but it will. I can't do it again. I can't bare to watch us crumbling. Coming apart and she won't even notice. She'll be too busy, preoccupied, and happy. Happy. Last week I thought I made her happy. What a fool I was. She just needed a fix. She doens't need me but she makes you think she does.

Fuck this. Fuck her.
I'm going to explode.
I'm going to explode then get over it.
Stand up, dust myself off and just keep going.
Still, I'm going to explode.

Catching Up

I'll try to start posting more!
People are sharing their feeling with me and I feel as though I'm not contributing back at all.

I move out in T-minus less than a week. Kinda awesome, kinda not. I'm going to miss my mother terribly, it's a shitty deal. I don't care, I'm kind of a momma's boy but she went through a lot of shit while I was growing up. Single mother, supporting two kids, working everyday, never having time off. I'm so glad she's with my step dad because they love each other so much and she's so happy. I'm also glad she won't have to work here anymore in this shitty neighbourhood and she's going ot go have some fun finally! :)

In other news, I'm in an awkward situation. I get it. I'm okay with it. But I'll always still want what to be with you. I don't know how you feel. You tell me your so comfortable around me and that we're so perfect but you don't want us. At least right now. It makes sense. Actually. I want other people right now too. I guess I'm just scared that you'll find someone better and I won't. Because, frankly, in my eyes, I don't think there is anyone better than you.

This final note is for every girl who reads my blog and for every girl I haven't met yet or never will:

You're beautiful.

OOHHH YEAAH.

On Wednesday, I drove through the end of a rainbow.
The colours were RIGHT in front of me.


Yesterday, I ripped my shoe at work.
Ugh.

The Good Life

I feel purpose now.

Well, no. I just don't feel useless anymore.

Volunteering at the school is great!

All the kids are super cute and really want to be there.

I mean, of course they'll have focus issues seeing that they're kids, but other than small things like that, they really do enjoy music.

There's this one kid specifically, he was the only one who came to practice today and it was awesome. He's so talented on guitar and has such a great ear for things.

He figured out the melody to "I Walk the Line" by JC and we jammed that. I also am currently teaching him the first part to 'Thunderstruck'. He picked it up unbelievably fast. I KNOW that if this kid can stay out of trouble and keeps to it, he'll be great. He is already great. It just made me feel so good about everything, he has such a big energy to him. He's only in grade 6.

I also have been reading books, which is recent. I'm going to do it regularly.

I read this one book, very shittily written, but with interesting idea/points.

It mentions how you have to look at everyday coincidences as something that happened for a reason. It shows you that you're doing the right thing and just to keep going.

So many of these things are happening to me lately.

A super super good friend of mine I have been estranged from for a couple months, the one I consistently whine about on here (Sorry) turned out to be volunteering there too. COMPLETE fluke. It was just so weird. So we went in and volunteered together today. We went out after and went to the library, talked over coffee and lunch, went for a walk. While we were on our excursion, there was a busker. What? Yeah. He was singing 'I Walk the Line'.

I'm doing the right thing.

yaaaah.

I fell in love with a girl driving an old burgandy corolla today.
I was driving home and she appeared beside me.
Just the awkward, 'I wonder who's driving next to me' glance.
She was beautiful. She was wearing a silver scarf.
We drove beside each other for a solid twenty minutes.
Of course I was not going to be creepy and turn to look at her.
We playfully drove, beside each other, me taking the lead, and then sometimes her.
At a set of lights, I decided to take a chance and turn my head.
She had a five dollar bill and was rolling down her window.
She yelled "Hey", and a panhandler on the boulevard came running towards her window.
He took the money without saying a word and walked away.
This is when I knew I was in love. She was not only beautiul but kind hearted as well.
As we continued to drive, I wanted to take one more look my new admiree before I had to make my turn.
Just as I turned my head, she, at that exact moment, started to take her turn; the opposite way.

Even though I'm a total creep and I have no idea who she is, in that 27 minutes drive, I fell in love and and got my heart broken. I love you old burgandy corolla silver scarf girl.

LIFE UPDATE.

1) Working a minimal amount of shifts and West49 now since it's January but still lovin' it. Might get hired at the folk fest store! Just need to call him on Tuesday. Fuck. So stoked.

2) Volunteering at an inner city school teaching kids how to play guitar and keyboard! I hope they need my assistance. I'm pretty sure I'll love doing it.

3) Choir thing for Zalis' 'world premiere' is starting up again. I'm glad to be singing with a group of people again.

4) I met this super interesting girl. SUPER interesting.

5) I'm going to MC Gordie's Coffeehouse on occasion now too!

Thoughts.

1) I think we're done.
This sucks.

2) I want to make music.
Lots and lots of kinds.

3) I like going to school.
It gives me something to do.

4) I love working at West49.
Doesn't even feel like work, just a solid hang sesh for 9 hours.

5) I saw that cute girl from my music class last semester.
She's still cute.

6) Friends...
Is such a good show.

7) The Mueseum of Man & Nature is awesome.
I wish we'd practice more.

8) People should stop blaming other people.
That's what comes with your choices you've made.

9) I'm fat now.
Get in shape for Hawaii.

10) I'd wait for 50 years for you to be ready.
As long as we can be chums again.

New Year

I am and will be a disposable friend for my entire life.
In 2008 I've lost so many people by just losing contact with them and I've lost chances to meet so many new people because I just get sad and miss the old ones.
It's really shitty when I think about it.

The thing that triggered it right now was, I was talking to my penpal/friend from New Zealand on msn just now and hassled her about how she never ever called once, or never sends letter and makes a decent effort to stay in touch other than the odd msn conversation. She told me she's too busy and doesn't have time to sit around the computer for hours on end because she has a life. She strongly implied I did not have one. I didn't ask her to talk to me for 5 hours on the phone or even on the computer, all I wanted was to know she still thought about me. In our history of around 7 years of knowing each other, we maintained a pretty strong relationship but I noticed I only have 5 letters from her. I'm the one who's always called her. Maybe she just grew out of this whole thing, it is kinda lame, but we were such good friends for a long time. Anyways, we had an argument and she hurt me. It's weird that I haven't ever met her once and she's halfway around the world but she still has the ability to hurt me. I don't think we're talking again. I don't know if I'd want to and she probably doesn't care. I deleted her e-mail, her number and her address. Of course those are all memorized but I know time will make me forget. She's already forgotten.

My ex-girlfriend is another big one. Our history has been so confusing and we've tried to work it out, maybe we have, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel that she too, has given up on me. I'm not worth fighting for and she doesn't have time to care about me. I know this sounds all so selfish, it is, but I don't see why people can't try. I try so hard, but I'm scared of coming off too strong so I don't talk to them. But then I think that if i don't talk to them, they'll forget completely. I really wish this would come out clearer rather than this jumbled mess it coming out as. It's sad that people forget all the memories and replace them. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do though. Erase and replace. Kill off the character so you can bring in a newer, younger, handsomer one. I HATE the idea of that. What was the point of going through all that fucking shit if you're not going to cherish it later.

There's nothing special about me. I'm not especially talented in any way, I don't change peoples lives, fuck, I don't even change people's minds. That's why people can forget about me so easily. Do I have to change myself? Make myself into someone else that can leave an impression on someone's mind? Why can't I just be myself?

Maybe I dwell on things past too much and I need to keep moving forward. It just makes me fucking sad. I often wonder what would happen if I were to die. OBV these thoughts are nothing to do with suicide or anything! never! but what would happen if I just disappeared? No stories would appear in the newspapers or anything. Just vanish. My NZ girl would never know so that works out well. No one I know right now would think twice about me not texting them back or answering calls. I don't think any of the people I know would get concerned to ask about me. I think I'd be successful in just disappearing. I will try that one day. Just pack up and leave. I can start over. Fuck, thinking about this is suuuper depressing. I mean everyone has those couple people or that one someone that is always there for them and know whats up. I don't have one. I've been living my whole life as a drifter, I just float around in and out of existence. One person has said she's always there for me no matter what. How can she if she can't even talk to me without having to look behind her shoulder or feel bad about it. She's the closest thing I have to a best friend and she's not even close.

I'm selfish. This whole entry is just narcissistic and in vein. I whine too much.
I'm going to disappear one day though and you'll never know.
Maybe you'll see me in the news one day because of my successful coconut beverage shop I started in Fiji.