Conformity

So, another weekend. Another night by myself in front of the computer.
It's Halloween and I'm not at a party or social. I handed out candy (sexy candy) and took my brother out to get candy. I COULD have been, but I chose not too.
I chose not to because I hate drunk people. I can't stand being around them. They're obnoxious, loud, disrespectful and stupid. Another thing is, that they're not themselves. Drinking is becoming a serious problem with our generation and the one that is following. It is now associated with so many activities that when someone says "Let's go dance at the bar!", the next sentence said is usually "Where are we pregaming?!". There's no dancing anymore. There's drunk dancing. There's no "Hey let's hang out and so and so's house", it's "Hey, let's get fucked up and so and so's house, can I crash at your place after?"
What sickens me most though, are people who use alcohol because they're afraid of real human interaction. I bet that 94% of everyone you see at the bar, would not be dancing with the random person they've never seen before if they weren't drunk. No one would be randomly making out or having sex with their clothes on on the dance floor. People use alcohol to do the things they're too scared to do sober. Things they don't have the courage for. So they have to hide behind the state of inhebriation so, if things get out of hand, they just blame it on being 'wasted' or if it works out for them, they say they had the best time and met the most wonderful person. Well you didn't meet them, you met someone else. Now, this isn't ALL the time, but MOST of the time. If you have met someone at the bar, and it worked out in the end and you are dating and get along, great, i'll buy you two lunch. But, this rarely ever happens. Guys have certain intentions and girls get slutty. But it's okay to be slutty right? You're drunk and having fun, shit happens. (Fuck I hate feminists, as long as girls go around dressing up as a sexy ______ and flaunt their shit around and use their looks to get drinks, fuck off.).
Guys and girls use alcohol differently. I think that guys use it more responsibly, even though they get trashed more, they get trashed with friends and usually at someones house where it's all friends. You rarely see a guy that's completely fucked up at the bar unless he's a hobo or a creep. Guys don't mind embarassing themselves with their friends around but at the bar, they do have some self respect and they want to score ladies, and to do that, you have some sense of logic to play the gamer, But, you do see A LOT of girls that can't even stand. Girls are irresponsible with alcohol, once they reach a certain point. They start off drinking but once they pass the threshold, they can't control themselves and this is why you see so many girls getting fucked over or thinking they met the perfect guy (he's just hot, he's an asshole trying to get a beej, trust me ladies.).
I think I went off on a major tangent. Anyways, drunk people wouldn't do half the things they do if they weren't drunk. It's sad to think that people use alcohol as a brace to socialize. I'd rather have one real human contact and experience, then a hundred hazy nights of drunken fun.
Again, this isn't every case. But MOST cases.


But the point is that I don't do this.
Though, after nights like these, I wish I was one of these people.
I wish that I could just drink and get drunk and go out and do anything.
I could, but I chose not to because I don't like imagining myself as I've seen others.
When I used to get drunk, there would always be the moment where I'd think, "Hey, this is stupid, you're going to feel like shit later...", but then someone would pass me another beer or pour me another shot and I'd ignore myself.
I admit, some of those times were fun. Actually, I wouldn't mind going back. It's what everyone is doing. I never see everyone. I miss everyone. I want to be everyone.
I don't want to be at home, staring at my computer, wishing there was someone who was like me and hoping they'd randomly find me and want to hang too. It's so much easier to drink and be drunk. But the fact that getting drunk is what everyone is doing all the time when they have free time doesn't allure me. I wish that people could go bowling, or watch a play, go to a movie, make crafts, anything else, and then perhaps the suggestion of going to the bar will arise. It's always the first choice. I want other choices.


I think I've decided. I'm going to try and have more random fun. I'll take up your offers to go and dance. I'll make a little fool out of myself. But I'll do it on my own terms. I'll tag along, I'll drink, but I will not get drunk. I want to remember everything vividly and clearly becuase when I'm waddling my ass on the dancefloor and we randomly start having a little conversation, I'll be happy knowing even if you won't remember exactly what I said or what I looked like, you were talking to me and not the Corona.

Cheers.

Cry School Musical!

so i came back from seeing my secret addiction. high school musical 3.
the third and last one of the HSM series.
i fucking enjoyed it. again, the musicality of the musical music went down again but working with the scenes and the dances, it worked quite well. I especially loved the ending, how they did a curtain call on screen and the whole team jumping up in the air thing. worked well and wasn't cheesy at all. their final number was entitled "high school musical" and was super lame but was also quite nice becuase it was the last number so it had to be done. i fucking love high school musical. fuck you. i'll go see it with my cousins just as an excuse to go again.

along with HSM comes with a side dish of memories. memories of my gabriella if you will ha. throughout the whole movie, i was thinking, "fuck i wish she was sitting beside me and i wish we would be excited about this together". but we can't and i understand completely. i'm over all the bulk of that. i'm just sad things that meant so much to us can't mean that much to us anymore. and that we can't create new things to mean that much to us. i'm just running on what i have already got. it makes it harder because all the memories that i thought about are with us together, like, dating. i don't think it would be so hard if i had happy memories of us not together. cause then i could just think about those and how we can be happy without being together. anyways. i got into m car after saying bye to the person i went with, and i fucking cried. hard. the most random thing in the whole world. it was really really shitty. but yeah. i drove around. cleared my head. i'm completely fine with everything. i guess i just hadn't have a burst of emotion in a long while so it was due time for this to happen.

anyways. HSM3 was awesome.
fuck you.

Thanks, Giving.

No turkey dinner for me this year.
My mom's family went out to Calgary to have it with the fam jam there.
My dad is outta town so we're not having it here.
I work anyways so I couldn't go to Calg.
And I'm not going to ask for the days off. I mean. Then someone else has to miss out on theirs!
I've gotten to a point where holidays don't mean that much to me anymore.
Well certain parts of holidays anyways.
I'm content and happy knowing that my fam is going to have a fantastic T-Day and my boss will have a great one with her BF.
Anyways, if I did go out of town, I wouldn't be able to watch 'Forever Plaid' twice! Such a great production. After taht, I'll go watch some great friends play their first big show!
I'm excited.

So to the people that recieved my wonderful little gift. A happy Thanksgiving to you! Eat up.
And for those that didn't get one, sorry, I make them at work. That doesn't give me a lot of time to make as much as I wanted!

Secret #7?

I never really told anyone about this because I thought it was something weird and I didn't want it to be a big deal. I was scared and tried to pretend it was nothing.The reason I'm writing about it now, is that I know I'm not alone. In fact, knowing there's other people out there who go through the same things, whom experience it in a more intense severity, makes me feel alot better and makes me realize that it isn't a big deal. Comparing my experiences to other people's, I've noticed that my episodes are minuscule and could be so so, so much worse. And I think to myself now, maybe there's nothing wrong and I'm just being a big baby.

A couple months ago, it was a very stressful time. Finals, worries about people moving, thoughts of perhaps living alone, breaking down of relationships, things all of us go through. Things all of us go through; that phrase makes me feel like I was a complete baby.When I would get overwhelmed, I would crawl into the corner of my bed that was in the corner of the walls, and I would sit. Legs crossed and my arms hugging my legs. You know, the fetal position. From there, I would start sitting. While I sat, I started thinking, and when I started thinking, I started worrying. After a while, I'd stop thinking and worrying and I'd start listening. I would hear my heart beating. Beating fast. Now I've been sitting this whole time, so I'd start thinking, 'why is my heart beating so fast?'. Now, I realize I'm not breathing. 'Why aren't I breathing?', 'What is going on?', 'Why is this happening?', 'I'm still not breathing'?!, 'What do I do?!", 'I'm going to fail my math exam!', 'Why isn't she calling?!'.

Someone told me this was the beginning of a panic attack.

After 'panicking', I would start to takes gulps of breaths and calm my self down. Slowly and surely, I would be back to my normal self. It happened every so often through the next couple months. Intensity varying from time to time, but never a full on panic attack. I never felt like I was going to die or anything, I just felt like I was lost and didn't know what to do with myself and I couldn't do anything. Since it was super serious, I just waved it off and dealt with it as it came. Eventually the frequency of these events thinned. I thought though, I might as well go ask someone about it. I talked to a walk-in clinic doctor one day. Before going, I said that if someone was available right away and I didn't have to do some lame paper work or something, I'd go see one, if I had to do any work, I'd just leave, it wasn't a big deal. I was able to see someone right away. I told them what they felt like and how they started getting less frequent. The doctor said I should go see my family doctor or they could refer me to someone. I said I'd see my family doctor, thanked them and left. Of course I didn't see my family doctor because A) I don't have one and B) I got scared again and decided to diagnose myself and say it wasn't anything that would have to be looked into.

I never told anyone because I was scared. I didn't want it to be a big deal. I didn't want people to change what they thought about me and think of me and fragile. It was hard because certain people were affected when this happened. I would get worried about someone and need to talk to them. I would sit in my corner hoping they call. Then I'd think they would never call. And I would panic. I would call them and they wouldn't answer. I would panic even more. It got so bad that I would lose control and phone and phone. All I would need is one 'Hello' and I'd be at rest but my mind would not rest heard someone on the other side. Other times I would just panic about where my life was going. I'd sit aimlessly on the computer and start to feel something inside my chest. And I would feel myself starting to take in shorter faster breathes. I'm glad someone was there for these times though. I would just be able to go over and talk with them. Actually, I'd run as fast as I could to their house. I felt trapped inside myself and had to excape. Thank you for helping me and talking to me. And listening. Sometimes. Hah. But, eventually my safe haven where I could relax disappeared and I could never go there again. Maybe it was for the best. I eventually learnt to cope and calm down myself. But that wasn't with the sacrifice of losing someone and making the attacks happen.

Here I am now, several months after those times, doing well. I haven't had one of those attacks in a long time. I still do crawl up in the corner of my room and aimlessly sit and think. But I know how to calm myself now. I've also discovered many people I know share the same problem and it helped me takling to them and hearing how they have to deal. For some, it's a really big problem and they have to take certain measures that are very stressful in themselves. But I really have an appreciation for all of them because I know first hand, how hard it is to deal with it, even with minor cases, and how strong they are to be having to deal with it all the time.

So here's to you my friends:
Life is hard. But please don't fret. I am always here to talk it out if you need to.
I'll be a call or text away if you need to get out of wherever your prison is and go out for coffee or a late night walk.
Actually, Saturday late late night walks are my specialty. They're the first thing I started doing to help me calm down and escape.
I know they can help you too! So give me ring and we're on!

Cheers!