Ready. Set. GO!

i am ready to be infatuated.
i am ready to start feeling the butterflies in my stomach when i see a specific person.
you know what? let's make that 'persons'.
nothing wrong in keeping your options open.

i'm going to buy 'forgetting sarah marshall' because that movie made me feel fantastic about all the unjust in the world and gave me hope that, eventually, the good guy will win.

i re-watched 'disturbia' over the weekend. the moment at the end, when he's finally free from the house arrest monitor, walks over to her house, lifts up the rope seperating them and then gazes in her eyes and she stares back into his, was awesome. that kind of pure moment between two people is what i'm lookin' for. where you only feel one emotion and one thought for that brief moment and nothing else is important in that instant than the other person being in front of you, feeling the exact same thing. and the best part of seeing that movie is that i didn't fucking realize till right now, that i watched it with a her.

i'm coming along quite nicely.

Fuck My Fragile Heart.

why do you do this to me everytime.
why can't you be prepared?
it happens all the time, can't you be ready for it at least once?
put some fucking armour on for fuck's sake!
pity doesn't do anything for you either.
toughen up.

my mind and flesh are willing, but my HEART is weak.

but i refuse to submit and become cold and bitter,
to flush out all memories, good or bad.
these are what we must take.
we must take these and study them. learn them. love them.
because if we just forget, erase, replace, then,

we go no where.

we just stay at the begining of the maze with our back against the wall, wondering whether to go left or right.

Gone.

So, when I came back home from pre-ordering the new iPod nano, I discovered that my laptop had died in my absence.
It lights turned on but it was making no sound and the screen remained black.
I paniked. (Paniced? Panicked? Paniched?)
I tried plugging it in and unplugging it. I fumbled around to let the battery free of its prison, only to cram it back in after waiting a couple seconds.
I kept turning it on and off, on and off, hoping that the next time I treid turning it on, it would be like it was before and make the reassuring beep we all know and love.

No beep.

And in this instant, my heart grew heavy and mind stood still.
Everything that has been important to me in the past 2 years had been stored on there.
Papers I had wrote that I had been proud of, that I would have liked to read again in the future.
Lyrics and songs I had recorded in the privacy of my room when I couldn't fall asleep.
Pictures I created on Microsoft Paint, picture of friends, picture of loved ones and lovED ones.
I kept a record of any texts written to me via e-mail, letters, or, well, texts, in one file so I could look upon them one day and reminisce of days of yore. Everything I had loved and felt worth keeping, was in there. I even made double copies of things truly important and placed tehm in seperate folders, just in case something got deleted by accident. But this. This I did not ever imagine. I never thought about the entire laptop failing!

This is where the swearing and banging of the laptop occured.
The desperate pleas to everyone I know.
This has to be fixed.

I'm going into BestBuy tomorrow.
Apparently they have to ship it off to HP so they can fix it. CSA or something.
A friend of mine works there so he said he'll do a backup of the harddrive for me and ship it off right away.
I have faith and that's really all I can depend on right now.
I have faith in you my friend.
My heart and memories are in your hands.
Hack the mainframe. Hack the mainframe.

PS.

the post below is a good read for those of you that jump from relationship to relationship.

From one of the finest minds around:

"We always want what we can't have. If we're single we want someone to cuddle with. If we're cuddling, we want someone to make out with. If we're making out, we just want someone to bang. If we're banging someone, we want someone to love. If we're in love, we just don't understand why they don't love us the way we love them. If they love us too we think, "Damn, why don't they just chill the fuck out?" Then we start to think about being single... and so a million romantic comedies are born.

Relying on others to make us happy is certain failure. If we fall for the "you complete me" Jerry Maguire bullshit, we will fail. Every relationship you've ever been in has failed, everyone you've ever known has failed, whether they are still together or not. Why? Because we're looking FOR love, not looking to BE loved. Going into a relationship with guards and walls, reservations and expectations deems us failures from the start. We can't be happy (try to convince yourself all you want) until we are happy with ourselves.

So how do you feel when you're alone? Without a shoulder? How do you feel lying in bed between 10 minutes and forever before you fall asleep? You don't 'complete' shit, you arrogant bastards. If the focus is on me, me and me how could you possibly expect someone to be unselfish and give you what you think you 'deserve'? It is rare that two people are in the same position in life and can make things work, that's why most (if not all) of the time we do fail. We fail ourselves, we cheat others. We 'cheat' boys and girls and lovers with open hearts into thinking we can give them what they need. But we fail to give them what they all truly deserve. "

-Nonnie (shitbag)(kidddding)

Trapped.

Fuck.
I've had dreams with her in them so many times over the past week.
When she's a bitch and I hate her in my dream, I wake up sad. I wonder, what is she like now and if she's happier.
When we're friends again or randomly hooking up in my dream, I wake up sad. I wonder, does she remember or if she's happier without me.

It's Time

I talked to my good friend dave a dayish ago.
We caught up and little bit and had some chit chat.
I told him how i noticed how everyone is doing something cool with their lives.
Some are starting a band and becoming very successful, two people are starting their own respective magazines, and I'm doing nothing.
He told me, "well, how about music? that's what it seems like you want to be doing right now".
Then it kinda just hit me. yes it is what i want to do right now.
I know I don't want to do it for my career and the rest of my life, like, mega seriously, but I really need something real and something I can accomplish things in.
So after that moment, I said to myself that I would start taking music a bit more seriously.
I've overhauled my room, put all my guitars together, moved the piano in, and made myself a harmonica holder.
I've also started trying to write a little bit more. It's still as hard as ever but it's goin'.
I'm learning songs that i learnt when I first started playing guitar, just to play and practice, and I'm pulling out the old piano books too. I'm also considering taking singing lessons just for the practice.
I'm getting so caught up in other people's lives recently, with everything I do, I just think it's useless because other people are already doing it. It's really distracting and holding me back.
It's weird. Because I say I'm just thinking about other people and not fucusing on myself, but I've noticed I've said "I'm" and "I" and "I've" a countless number of times just now.
So is it just that I'm whiney, that I'm not getting anything done?

It's Time to get my ass into gear and work for something. Not for something, but for a feeling. I want. I Need, to feel. I Need to feel happy, accomplished, ambitious, creative, hungry, passionate, full.

I Need to Be.

flash from the past

and i still mean every word!

...except the aesthetic positive verbs.

those only applied when you were a blonde bombshell.

Fake

so i feel really bad for someone i know.
HIS girlfriend went away to work for the summer.
she randomly decided over texting, that she wanted to take a break with no explanation.
she broke up with him a week ago, and less than a week after, she's now seeing someone and fully committed to him.

here's what what went down:
she played with him.
she went away.
she found met some cute guy.
she hooked up/fucked him.
she wanted to go on "a break" so she wouldn't AS feel bad when her and this guy screwed around.
she came back, decided the guy she met was cuter.
she broke it off and continues to screw this guy she met.
he is devistated.

i don't know what this means.
he feels as though nothing was real.
i half agree.
he was real. she was fake.
i don't know why guys are always assumed to be the bad guy in most cases.
usually it's the girls. and what they do is unforgivable.
so should we conclude this story as, she's a slut and just wants an upgrade.
or should we say, oh, she made the better decision for herself and it just sucks about the other guy, but at least she's happy.
of course, the ex boyfriend doens't know and usally falls on the "at least she's happy".

it's unfair that they don't go punished or feel bad.
it's bullshit really.
life is unfair but seriously. what the fuck.
i just hope things balance out for us good guys in the end.

dude, i'm sorry for the shit you had/are having/will have to to deal with.
give it time.
i know taht doesn't mean anything right now, but you'll see.
weeeerd.

Hunter

Driving home today, I caught glimpse of a rainbow.
I felt a little adventurous, so i decided to go find the end of it.
Half an hour of driving later, I was outside the city, somewhere on the transconaian side.
I looked at the clock for a second and when i looked back up, the rainbow had vanished.
While i was driving, i looked around at the other cars going the same direction as me and wondered if, they too, were going after the promised gold.

Experiments

going back to my "writing lyrics is hard" point from before, i tried writing some tonight.
i read rivers cuomo would lock himself in his apartment and go on a fast for a day or two and write a song off that.
could that really work?
it did for him. he wrote "hold me" which, i think is one of the most beautiful and most eomotional songs i've heard in my life.

tonight i decided to not pee and sit outside on a curb in shorts and a shirt.
i thought the strong desire to empty out my blad along with the level of difficulty holding it in because i was shivering would help me write.
turns out i just almost ruptured my kidney and caught a cold.

maybe a runny nose will inspire me!

Random Thoughts:

Feminists are stupid.

Smoking is stupid. It's just a social device which you get addicted to. It also looks cool.

Cigars, really, aren't that cool.

When someone cheats and breaks someone's heart, they shouldn't be the one who is happy and content afterwards.

You don't need tits to work at Hooters. You just have to be a skank.

Getting hammered all the time isn't really that cool or fun either. Grow up.

Talking about a recent break up with someone who's also had a recent break up is two people talking a language with a mutual understanding and genuine connection.

Once you slut out to attain something you've been working on for your entire life, you lose all credibility, respect, and meaning in whatever it is you were trying to do.

Writing lyrics is fucking hard.

I shouldn't care about someone like i do.