...is going all right.
I work at west49 now which is kinda killer.
The people are super cool and we listen to good music all day.
Well, usually. Some people have sweet music, others are alright.
I made a special mix on my shitty iPod shuffle with things that i thought were suitable for west49. I put on a whole bunch of hardcore intense shit. Now I put a whole bunch of random shit I like to show to other people. It's super cool. Lots of people listen to stuff I do and they show me stuff they'd think I like, so I do the same. I was stoked when I heard At the Drive-In and Vince Guaraldi Trio. Anyways, west is an awesome job. I already bought two pairs of shoes and I'm thinking of buying another. I think I'll get some pants there as well.
I'm pretty sure they like me. Maybe I'll get to stay after the holidays too. I'm working lots now. I mean you could say it's just becuase it's Christmas but some seasonal people don't even work at all.
I'm not making as much music as I'd like to. Actually I haven't made any music at all. Hopefully the band will get together and have at least a couple of good jams. My girl/guy band fell through. She stopped calling and stuff. I mean, she IS super super busy. I think it's just a commitment she can't make right now. I thought it was awesome though. Oh well. I don't want to bother her. I haven't sung and played guitar much on my own either. It sucks. I started playing classical again but I really am not getting into it becuase I can't find any songs that I really like. Oh well. In the new year I plan on doing it a lot more. I better.
I made a movie for my family for Christmas. I'm not even excited about Christmas itself, I'm stoked about showing everyone and seeing their reactions haha. Me and my cousin made this awesome song and music video thing. Funniest thing ever. At least to us.
So you know this GIRL. ugh. always problems with her. we can't hang out because she'll get in trouble and she probably cares about her other person more than me. That's totally fine. What I'm so choked about is her other person hates me. I have no idea why. I mean, I KNOW why, but come on, grow up. I'm past that shit now. I have been a long long time ago. It's time for you too. I know they've been through at lot of shit and I really feel bad, but that's another reason why you should just let shit with me go. You don't need anymore negative shit to deal with. I hope you guys are doing okay though. I really really hope it works out. I love her so much and I just want her to be happy. And I want to be a good friend but secretly, I'm not. I understand the situation and can deal with it. But, I'm a bad friend becuase I secretly get mad at her and feel hurt. I think it's stupid how she can't be how she is when she's alone with me. When we hang out, it's like old times where we can just open up to each other and talk and just have real moments like we used to. She's the only person that knows me and knows how I feel, even when I'm trying to hide it. I feel so comfortable around her. And she's the same for me. When we talk, it's like nothing ever happened and we're just best friends. But when I see her at any other time, it's completely different. She's dismissive, rushed and not the girl I know. I know this might just be becuase she doesn't want people to think the wrong things about us. I mean, she says we're still best friends and she's always there for me but it's just that she can't be like that ever becuase of certain circumstances. But I don't know if I can believe that. Maybe she's the one lying to me. Maybe she jsut pretends to be nice to be jsut so I would get off her back. It wouldn't be the first time I thought she felt some way when she acutally doesn't.
It's confusing. Sorry. Here, let's put it this way:
I'm going to have to deal with this shit. I'm used to it and I can do it. I want her to be happy. I'm just hurt that she can't be true to herself or me and it sucks I can't be happy too.
Also, for her other person:
Fuck you. Please, don't hate me. It's stupid to be like this still. I just want to be on good terms. If you can make her happy, then I love you too. As long as she's happy, I guess I'm happy. But come on, it'd be easier if could just make peace with me. Maybe just try? I want you to be happy too. I really really do man.
I hope I fucking make some music soon! Fuck.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Random text.
So I was texting my sick friend and trying to convince her to go for coffee with me.
She's obviously in no condition to go out but I was just teasing her and I really didn't want to study french anymore. Anyways, I started a text and all of a sudden, these random thoughts just came rushing out of my fingertips, so I just let them do their thing. I do not have strong strong feelings for this friend, thought it may seem I do. I just had some sort of inspiration and just went with it. I hope it at least made her feel less sick:
"But I'll piggy back you and everything. I'll make sure you stay cozy warm and I'll have a tissue on hand if you need to sneeze. My shoulder will be there to catch your head if you drift off to sleep. Your fingers will never be frozen becuase I'll keep your hands between mine. You won't feel sick becuase I'll be there with you."
I think I just channeled random romantic comedies I've seen. I've discovered I'm just a hopeless romantic looking for that perfect onscreen romance. Though those rarely happen, I hope that one day some special gal will be looking for the same thing and we can make each other happy.
She's obviously in no condition to go out but I was just teasing her and I really didn't want to study french anymore. Anyways, I started a text and all of a sudden, these random thoughts just came rushing out of my fingertips, so I just let them do their thing. I do not have strong strong feelings for this friend, thought it may seem I do. I just had some sort of inspiration and just went with it. I hope it at least made her feel less sick:
"But I'll piggy back you and everything. I'll make sure you stay cozy warm and I'll have a tissue on hand if you need to sneeze. My shoulder will be there to catch your head if you drift off to sleep. Your fingers will never be frozen becuase I'll keep your hands between mine. You won't feel sick becuase I'll be there with you."
I think I just channeled random romantic comedies I've seen. I've discovered I'm just a hopeless romantic looking for that perfect onscreen romance. Though those rarely happen, I hope that one day some special gal will be looking for the same thing and we can make each other happy.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Hot List
I've decided to create a list of all the famous/sub-famous females that I want to marry.
Here they are in no particular order:
- EMMA WATSON (I'D LET HER CAST A LEVEL 5 SEX SPELL ON ME ANYDAY)
- Jennifer Anniston (She's old, and hot)
- Sarah Silverman (Everyone thinks she's fug, but I think she's shmexy)
- Bianca Gross (Spenny's cousin from Kenny Vs. Spenny)
- Kristen Stewart (She's a year younger than me. Awesome)
- Sally Gifford (She hosted this kids show and is that farting pizza pop girl)
- Natalie Portman (I really want to watch Garden State now)
- Lisa Hannigan (Literally an angel)
- Amanda Peet (She has a rope collection she is very fond of. Awesome)
- Other randoms I can't remember right now
I highly recommend that you look up pictures of all these fine specimens.
I will regularly update this, so keep checking back!
Here they are in no particular order:
- EMMA WATSON (I'D LET HER CAST A LEVEL 5 SEX SPELL ON ME ANYDAY)
- Jennifer Anniston (She's old, and hot)
- Sarah Silverman (Everyone thinks she's fug, but I think she's shmexy)
- Bianca Gross (Spenny's cousin from Kenny Vs. Spenny)
- Kristen Stewart (She's a year younger than me. Awesome)
- Sally Gifford (She hosted this kids show and is that farting pizza pop girl)
- Natalie Portman (I really want to watch Garden State now)
- Lisa Hannigan (Literally an angel)
- Amanda Peet (She has a rope collection she is very fond of. Awesome)
- Other randoms I can't remember right now
I highly recommend that you look up pictures of all these fine specimens.
I will regularly update this, so keep checking back!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
In Real Life...
...things that happen in fairy tales don't happen.
I'm thinking it was a bad idea now to give her that.
I just doomed a great friendship into an awkward acquaintance scenario.
Letting her know how I feel probably wasn't worth not seeing her again.
Oh well. I THINK it was worth it.
I started to feel myself becoming awkward and shy around her and not being able to look her in the eyes. She'd think I was weird if I kept that up! At least I ended it with a bang!
Plus, I felt so awkward when I saw her boyfriend. I felt bad when he said "Oh, are you hanging out with her today?". So I'm kinda doing him a favour.
I've always thought of myself as a disposable friend anyways so she'll be fine.
Ugh. But will I?
I'm just a hopeless romantic. I'll get over it.
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Secrets:
I don't know who you are. Maybe I do and I'm just lying to myself.
I'd like to go to the way we were but it will never happen. Too much stuff has happened.
I hope this work out because this is something that I'm genuinely excited about.
I'm thinking it was a bad idea now to give her that.
I just doomed a great friendship into an awkward acquaintance scenario.
Letting her know how I feel probably wasn't worth not seeing her again.
Oh well. I THINK it was worth it.
I started to feel myself becoming awkward and shy around her and not being able to look her in the eyes. She'd think I was weird if I kept that up! At least I ended it with a bang!
Plus, I felt so awkward when I saw her boyfriend. I felt bad when he said "Oh, are you hanging out with her today?". So I'm kinda doing him a favour.
I've always thought of myself as a disposable friend anyways so she'll be fine.
Ugh. But will I?
I'm just a hopeless romantic. I'll get over it.
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Secrets:
I don't know who you are. Maybe I do and I'm just lying to myself.
I'd like to go to the way we were but it will never happen. Too much stuff has happened.
I hope this work out because this is something that I'm genuinely excited about.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The Lonely Singer
Once upon a time there was a boy who played guitar and sung lonely love songs.
One day, he saw a picture of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
He asked everyone in the village if they knew who she was.
His friend, Noel, said he knew.
The lonely singer excitedly asked for the identity of this girl.
Noel replied and told him that her name was Robbins.
Ecstatic that he now knew her name, the lonely singer then went and tried to befriend the
charming Robbins.
He made weak attempts to talk to her but he realized he was quite shy and could not show her how much he liked her.
Unfortunately, because of this, he was scared off and didn't talk to her for some quite time.
2 YEARS LATER
The lonely singer had grown up a lot during past the two years.
He had loved and lost, he had been happy and sad.
But he was still the boy who played guitar and sang lonely love songs.
By a twist of fate, he came across the radiant Robbins at the town square.
Not seeing each other for a long period of time, they thought it would be a good idea to catch up.
They conversed over hot tea many times talking about life and events that had come and gone.
While talking, the subject of relationships arose.
Robbins was happily in a relationship with a fine fellow at the time.
She talked about all their experiences and happiness.
The lonely singer was so happy that his friend was so happy and in love but couldn't help but feel a little saddened.
He had realized how much he enjoyed her company over the warm mugs of tea and chit chat.
But, he ignored these feelings for Robbins because he knew it was not the right time and he also knew it would never work out.
The lonely singer and Robbins continued to get together and go to artistic events and have their chit chats after.
One time, during an outing to a great cinematopraphic production, which involved much singing and dancing,the lonely singer turned to look at Robbins. He thought about how much he enjoyed her company.
End of Part One.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ PART TWO.
One day, he saw a picture of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
He asked everyone in the village if they knew who she was.
His friend, Noel, said he knew.
The lonely singer excitedly asked for the identity of this girl.
Noel replied and told him that her name was Robbins.
Ecstatic that he now knew her name, the lonely singer then went and tried to befriend the
charming Robbins.
He made weak attempts to talk to her but he realized he was quite shy and could not show her how much he liked her.
Unfortunately, because of this, he was scared off and didn't talk to her for some quite time.
2 YEARS LATER
The lonely singer had grown up a lot during past the two years.
He had loved and lost, he had been happy and sad.
But he was still the boy who played guitar and sang lonely love songs.
By a twist of fate, he came across the radiant Robbins at the town square.
Not seeing each other for a long period of time, they thought it would be a good idea to catch up.
They conversed over hot tea many times talking about life and events that had come and gone.
While talking, the subject of relationships arose.
Robbins was happily in a relationship with a fine fellow at the time.
She talked about all their experiences and happiness.
The lonely singer was so happy that his friend was so happy and in love but couldn't help but feel a little saddened.
He had realized how much he enjoyed her company over the warm mugs of tea and chit chat.
But, he ignored these feelings for Robbins because he knew it was not the right time and he also knew it would never work out.
The lonely singer and Robbins continued to get together and go to artistic events and have their chit chats after.
One time, during an outing to a great cinematopraphic production, which involved much singing and dancing,the lonely singer turned to look at Robbins. He thought about how much he enjoyed her company.
End of Part One.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ PART TWO.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Ps.
obviously the /clapclapclapclap was referring to the claps in the Friend's theme song.
Did you know it didn't start out as claps?
It started out as a shitty drum machine fill, then when they recorded it, the drummer didn't do a fill there so they just clapped it out temporarily. They all thought it was so lame and shitty but then it grew on them and they kept the claps!
Did you know it didn't start out as claps?
It started out as a shitty drum machine fill, then when they recorded it, the drummer didn't do a fill there so they just clapped it out temporarily. They all thought it was so lame and shitty but then it grew on them and they kept the claps!
/ClapClapClapClap.
Friends is one of the best shows ever created.
It is hanging up there with Seinfeld.
I'm looking at the word 'seinfeld' and right now I don't see it as a name, I see it as two different components, 'sein' and 'feld', that make up a weird looking word. It's strange. Sometimes I just fall into amazement about language and how we don't think about it. I'll look at a word or a say a word and it just won't make sense to me. I imagine in my head, how it's spelt but the letters just seem like random characters and the word in whole will just be meaningless. I think I do it on purpose. Maybe to make it seem like language is more important and meaningful and to respect it? Maybe.
But, back to the point. I love friends. I can't stand watching the super old episodes though. It has to be of the last 4 seasons. I just can't stand watching so far back and knowing what already is going to happen. Also it's an old ass show so the early episodes are shitty old school quality and i can't stand looking at joey's ug-o hair. Fuck Rachael is hot. She's like, almost 40? maybe. late thirties. john mayer, you got it good. i hope you make use of that. dayum. i apologize, dear readers. I'd like to be some girl's ross. I want to be ross for a girl. Actually, I just want to date Jennifer Anniston. Watching shows like these always give me hope that things will work out in the end. I watched run fat boy run on the weekend and that also gave me that warm tingly feeling that things can get super shitty but will work out when they're supposed to.
So someone I know is going through shit I went through, well, almost 7 months ago. Fuck. It's been forever. But it seems like it just happened sometimes. Weird. It's really shitty. But like, I know I can't offer advice becuase I know how it feels and you just have to figure out your own way to do things. Hopefully you can be on good terms eventually. It's almost as good. it's better than nothing. But until then, shitty bro. It'll smoothen out.
When I thought about what he was going through, I was thought, wow. I was really close to this girl. I can't believe the things I told her and how much I opened uo to her. I've never been that close to anyone in my life. How we shared so many things and experiences together. It's weird that it doesn't matter now. Well I mean, it DOES matter, and I've grown up so much from it, but they don't mean the same thing as the used to and might never mean the same thing ever again. Like, I can't even imagine getting intimate with her now. Sure, I can close my eyes and I'll be toastin' in bed with Jenifer Anniston or maybe Monica (she looked good in today's episode) but I can't with her. A girl who I had been in love with and been together for a year, I can't even imagine kissing now. I jsut feel awkard even thinking about it. Things have rewound. If that oppourtunity arose, I'd have to start from scratch. I'd probably be all shy and shit like I used to when I first met her. I'd probably be all fucked up and confusing and unsure and shy and awkward. Weird! Aw, well. It won't happen. And I'm kinda glad. I'm a little scared now about how I would react. Would it just be like old times or would it have to be rebuilt from scratch? Well Rachael and Ross alwayts broke up and jsut randomly hooked back up again with no problem. Well obviously problems but they're underlying love for each other was always there which made it easier.
This might be the stupidest post written in the entire world today.
Anyways, Friends. Awesome show. Me and my mother bond together watching it. Pretty awesome time.
Come to Gordie's tomorrow. I'm stoked.
lata.
It is hanging up there with Seinfeld.
I'm looking at the word 'seinfeld' and right now I don't see it as a name, I see it as two different components, 'sein' and 'feld', that make up a weird looking word. It's strange. Sometimes I just fall into amazement about language and how we don't think about it. I'll look at a word or a say a word and it just won't make sense to me. I imagine in my head, how it's spelt but the letters just seem like random characters and the word in whole will just be meaningless. I think I do it on purpose. Maybe to make it seem like language is more important and meaningful and to respect it? Maybe.
But, back to the point. I love friends. I can't stand watching the super old episodes though. It has to be of the last 4 seasons. I just can't stand watching so far back and knowing what already is going to happen. Also it's an old ass show so the early episodes are shitty old school quality and i can't stand looking at joey's ug-o hair. Fuck Rachael is hot. She's like, almost 40? maybe. late thirties. john mayer, you got it good. i hope you make use of that. dayum. i apologize, dear readers. I'd like to be some girl's ross. I want to be ross for a girl. Actually, I just want to date Jennifer Anniston. Watching shows like these always give me hope that things will work out in the end. I watched run fat boy run on the weekend and that also gave me that warm tingly feeling that things can get super shitty but will work out when they're supposed to.
So someone I know is going through shit I went through, well, almost 7 months ago. Fuck. It's been forever. But it seems like it just happened sometimes. Weird. It's really shitty. But like, I know I can't offer advice becuase I know how it feels and you just have to figure out your own way to do things. Hopefully you can be on good terms eventually. It's almost as good. it's better than nothing. But until then, shitty bro. It'll smoothen out.
When I thought about what he was going through, I was thought, wow. I was really close to this girl. I can't believe the things I told her and how much I opened uo to her. I've never been that close to anyone in my life. How we shared so many things and experiences together. It's weird that it doesn't matter now. Well I mean, it DOES matter, and I've grown up so much from it, but they don't mean the same thing as the used to and might never mean the same thing ever again. Like, I can't even imagine getting intimate with her now. Sure, I can close my eyes and I'll be toastin' in bed with Jenifer Anniston or maybe Monica (she looked good in today's episode) but I can't with her. A girl who I had been in love with and been together for a year, I can't even imagine kissing now. I jsut feel awkard even thinking about it. Things have rewound. If that oppourtunity arose, I'd have to start from scratch. I'd probably be all shy and shit like I used to when I first met her. I'd probably be all fucked up and confusing and unsure and shy and awkward. Weird! Aw, well. It won't happen. And I'm kinda glad. I'm a little scared now about how I would react. Would it just be like old times or would it have to be rebuilt from scratch? Well Rachael and Ross alwayts broke up and jsut randomly hooked back up again with no problem. Well obviously problems but they're underlying love for each other was always there which made it easier.
This might be the stupidest post written in the entire world today.
Anyways, Friends. Awesome show. Me and my mother bond together watching it. Pretty awesome time.
Come to Gordie's tomorrow. I'm stoked.
lata.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
OBAMA 2008
I really hope every one is happy that they've chosen the best man to be president and not only happy that they've chosen a black man to be president.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Cry School Musical: Revisted
I have to take my brother to go see it in an hour.
Fuck.
I really hope that it was a one time thing.
Fuck.
I really hope that it was a one time thing.
Secret(s) #8
You are the only one who could make me truly happy right now.
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When I turned and looked at you, you were looking at Troy Bolton being a sweet, corny musical boyfriend. After, you said you wished your boyfriend was like him. I thought to myself, I could be him.
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It pisses me off that you two get so many chances and I only got one.
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I was stoked to hang until you made me realize I was being a whino and that I can't stand you.
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I wish you would shut up, it's 1:30 am, but actually 2:30 am, and you're being fucking obnoxious and I hate you. Also, you're loud chewing is disgusting.
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I'm pathetic. Time to game up.
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I'm scared to fuck things up, so I'm going to stop talking to you.
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I'm flattered, but, it's just weird. Sorry.
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I think you're one of the coolest people around but I don't want to be like you.
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After I thought I could be your 'Troy', I instanly became sad. I was someone else's before. Replacments suck. (It also was a horrible movie.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When I turned and looked at you, you were looking at Troy Bolton being a sweet, corny musical boyfriend. After, you said you wished your boyfriend was like him. I thought to myself, I could be him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
It pisses me off that you two get so many chances and I only got one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I was stoked to hang until you made me realize I was being a whino and that I can't stand you.
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I wish you would shut up, it's 1:30 am, but actually 2:30 am, and you're being fucking obnoxious and I hate you. Also, you're loud chewing is disgusting.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm pathetic. Time to game up.
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I'm scared to fuck things up, so I'm going to stop talking to you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm flattered, but, it's just weird. Sorry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I think you're one of the coolest people around but I don't want to be like you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
After I thought I could be your 'Troy', I instanly became sad. I was someone else's before. Replacments suck. (It also was a horrible movie.)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Conformity
So, another weekend. Another night by myself in front of the computer.
It's Halloween and I'm not at a party or social. I handed out candy (sexy candy) and took my brother out to get candy. I COULD have been, but I chose not too.
I chose not to because I hate drunk people. I can't stand being around them. They're obnoxious, loud, disrespectful and stupid. Another thing is, that they're not themselves. Drinking is becoming a serious problem with our generation and the one that is following. It is now associated with so many activities that when someone says "Let's go dance at the bar!", the next sentence said is usually "Where are we pregaming?!". There's no dancing anymore. There's drunk dancing. There's no "Hey let's hang out and so and so's house", it's "Hey, let's get fucked up and so and so's house, can I crash at your place after?"
What sickens me most though, are people who use alcohol because they're afraid of real human interaction. I bet that 94% of everyone you see at the bar, would not be dancing with the random person they've never seen before if they weren't drunk. No one would be randomly making out or having sex with their clothes on on the dance floor. People use alcohol to do the things they're too scared to do sober. Things they don't have the courage for. So they have to hide behind the state of inhebriation so, if things get out of hand, they just blame it on being 'wasted' or if it works out for them, they say they had the best time and met the most wonderful person. Well you didn't meet them, you met someone else. Now, this isn't ALL the time, but MOST of the time. If you have met someone at the bar, and it worked out in the end and you are dating and get along, great, i'll buy you two lunch. But, this rarely ever happens. Guys have certain intentions and girls get slutty. But it's okay to be slutty right? You're drunk and having fun, shit happens. (Fuck I hate feminists, as long as girls go around dressing up as a sexy ______ and flaunt their shit around and use their looks to get drinks, fuck off.).
Guys and girls use alcohol differently. I think that guys use it more responsibly, even though they get trashed more, they get trashed with friends and usually at someones house where it's all friends. You rarely see a guy that's completely fucked up at the bar unless he's a hobo or a creep. Guys don't mind embarassing themselves with their friends around but at the bar, they do have some self respect and they want to score ladies, and to do that, you have some sense of logic to play the gamer, But, you do see A LOT of girls that can't even stand. Girls are irresponsible with alcohol, once they reach a certain point. They start off drinking but once they pass the threshold, they can't control themselves and this is why you see so many girls getting fucked over or thinking they met the perfect guy (he's just hot, he's an asshole trying to get a beej, trust me ladies.).
I think I went off on a major tangent. Anyways, drunk people wouldn't do half the things they do if they weren't drunk. It's sad to think that people use alcohol as a brace to socialize. I'd rather have one real human contact and experience, then a hundred hazy nights of drunken fun.
Again, this isn't every case. But MOST cases.
But the point is that I don't do this.
Though, after nights like these, I wish I was one of these people.
I wish that I could just drink and get drunk and go out and do anything.
I could, but I chose not to because I don't like imagining myself as I've seen others.
When I used to get drunk, there would always be the moment where I'd think, "Hey, this is stupid, you're going to feel like shit later...", but then someone would pass me another beer or pour me another shot and I'd ignore myself.
I admit, some of those times were fun. Actually, I wouldn't mind going back. It's what everyone is doing. I never see everyone. I miss everyone. I want to be everyone.
I don't want to be at home, staring at my computer, wishing there was someone who was like me and hoping they'd randomly find me and want to hang too. It's so much easier to drink and be drunk. But the fact that getting drunk is what everyone is doing all the time when they have free time doesn't allure me. I wish that people could go bowling, or watch a play, go to a movie, make crafts, anything else, and then perhaps the suggestion of going to the bar will arise. It's always the first choice. I want other choices.
I think I've decided. I'm going to try and have more random fun. I'll take up your offers to go and dance. I'll make a little fool out of myself. But I'll do it on my own terms. I'll tag along, I'll drink, but I will not get drunk. I want to remember everything vividly and clearly becuase when I'm waddling my ass on the dancefloor and we randomly start having a little conversation, I'll be happy knowing even if you won't remember exactly what I said or what I looked like, you were talking to me and not the Corona.
Cheers.
It's Halloween and I'm not at a party or social. I handed out candy (sexy candy) and took my brother out to get candy. I COULD have been, but I chose not too.
I chose not to because I hate drunk people. I can't stand being around them. They're obnoxious, loud, disrespectful and stupid. Another thing is, that they're not themselves. Drinking is becoming a serious problem with our generation and the one that is following. It is now associated with so many activities that when someone says "Let's go dance at the bar!", the next sentence said is usually "Where are we pregaming?!". There's no dancing anymore. There's drunk dancing. There's no "Hey let's hang out and so and so's house", it's "Hey, let's get fucked up and so and so's house, can I crash at your place after?"
What sickens me most though, are people who use alcohol because they're afraid of real human interaction. I bet that 94% of everyone you see at the bar, would not be dancing with the random person they've never seen before if they weren't drunk. No one would be randomly making out or having sex with their clothes on on the dance floor. People use alcohol to do the things they're too scared to do sober. Things they don't have the courage for. So they have to hide behind the state of inhebriation so, if things get out of hand, they just blame it on being 'wasted' or if it works out for them, they say they had the best time and met the most wonderful person. Well you didn't meet them, you met someone else. Now, this isn't ALL the time, but MOST of the time. If you have met someone at the bar, and it worked out in the end and you are dating and get along, great, i'll buy you two lunch. But, this rarely ever happens. Guys have certain intentions and girls get slutty. But it's okay to be slutty right? You're drunk and having fun, shit happens. (Fuck I hate feminists, as long as girls go around dressing up as a sexy ______ and flaunt their shit around and use their looks to get drinks, fuck off.).
Guys and girls use alcohol differently. I think that guys use it more responsibly, even though they get trashed more, they get trashed with friends and usually at someones house where it's all friends. You rarely see a guy that's completely fucked up at the bar unless he's a hobo or a creep. Guys don't mind embarassing themselves with their friends around but at the bar, they do have some self respect and they want to score ladies, and to do that, you have some sense of logic to play the gamer, But, you do see A LOT of girls that can't even stand. Girls are irresponsible with alcohol, once they reach a certain point. They start off drinking but once they pass the threshold, they can't control themselves and this is why you see so many girls getting fucked over or thinking they met the perfect guy (he's just hot, he's an asshole trying to get a beej, trust me ladies.).
I think I went off on a major tangent. Anyways, drunk people wouldn't do half the things they do if they weren't drunk. It's sad to think that people use alcohol as a brace to socialize. I'd rather have one real human contact and experience, then a hundred hazy nights of drunken fun.
Again, this isn't every case. But MOST cases.
But the point is that I don't do this.
Though, after nights like these, I wish I was one of these people.
I wish that I could just drink and get drunk and go out and do anything.
I could, but I chose not to because I don't like imagining myself as I've seen others.
When I used to get drunk, there would always be the moment where I'd think, "Hey, this is stupid, you're going to feel like shit later...", but then someone would pass me another beer or pour me another shot and I'd ignore myself.
I admit, some of those times were fun. Actually, I wouldn't mind going back. It's what everyone is doing. I never see everyone. I miss everyone. I want to be everyone.
I don't want to be at home, staring at my computer, wishing there was someone who was like me and hoping they'd randomly find me and want to hang too. It's so much easier to drink and be drunk. But the fact that getting drunk is what everyone is doing all the time when they have free time doesn't allure me. I wish that people could go bowling, or watch a play, go to a movie, make crafts, anything else, and then perhaps the suggestion of going to the bar will arise. It's always the first choice. I want other choices.
I think I've decided. I'm going to try and have more random fun. I'll take up your offers to go and dance. I'll make a little fool out of myself. But I'll do it on my own terms. I'll tag along, I'll drink, but I will not get drunk. I want to remember everything vividly and clearly becuase when I'm waddling my ass on the dancefloor and we randomly start having a little conversation, I'll be happy knowing even if you won't remember exactly what I said or what I looked like, you were talking to me and not the Corona.
Cheers.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Cry School Musical!
so i came back from seeing my secret addiction. high school musical 3.
the third and last one of the HSM series.
i fucking enjoyed it. again, the musicality of the musical music went down again but working with the scenes and the dances, it worked quite well. I especially loved the ending, how they did a curtain call on screen and the whole team jumping up in the air thing. worked well and wasn't cheesy at all. their final number was entitled "high school musical" and was super lame but was also quite nice becuase it was the last number so it had to be done. i fucking love high school musical. fuck you. i'll go see it with my cousins just as an excuse to go again.
along with HSM comes with a side dish of memories. memories of my gabriella if you will ha. throughout the whole movie, i was thinking, "fuck i wish she was sitting beside me and i wish we would be excited about this together". but we can't and i understand completely. i'm over all the bulk of that. i'm just sad things that meant so much to us can't mean that much to us anymore. and that we can't create new things to mean that much to us. i'm just running on what i have already got. it makes it harder because all the memories that i thought about are with us together, like, dating. i don't think it would be so hard if i had happy memories of us not together. cause then i could just think about those and how we can be happy without being together. anyways. i got into m car after saying bye to the person i went with, and i fucking cried. hard. the most random thing in the whole world. it was really really shitty. but yeah. i drove around. cleared my head. i'm completely fine with everything. i guess i just hadn't have a burst of emotion in a long while so it was due time for this to happen.
anyways. HSM3 was awesome.
fuck you.
the third and last one of the HSM series.
i fucking enjoyed it. again, the musicality of the musical music went down again but working with the scenes and the dances, it worked quite well. I especially loved the ending, how they did a curtain call on screen and the whole team jumping up in the air thing. worked well and wasn't cheesy at all. their final number was entitled "high school musical" and was super lame but was also quite nice becuase it was the last number so it had to be done. i fucking love high school musical. fuck you. i'll go see it with my cousins just as an excuse to go again.
along with HSM comes with a side dish of memories. memories of my gabriella if you will ha. throughout the whole movie, i was thinking, "fuck i wish she was sitting beside me and i wish we would be excited about this together". but we can't and i understand completely. i'm over all the bulk of that. i'm just sad things that meant so much to us can't mean that much to us anymore. and that we can't create new things to mean that much to us. i'm just running on what i have already got. it makes it harder because all the memories that i thought about are with us together, like, dating. i don't think it would be so hard if i had happy memories of us not together. cause then i could just think about those and how we can be happy without being together. anyways. i got into m car after saying bye to the person i went with, and i fucking cried. hard. the most random thing in the whole world. it was really really shitty. but yeah. i drove around. cleared my head. i'm completely fine with everything. i guess i just hadn't have a burst of emotion in a long while so it was due time for this to happen.
anyways. HSM3 was awesome.
fuck you.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Thanks, Giving.
No turkey dinner for me this year.
My mom's family went out to Calgary to have it with the fam jam there.
My dad is outta town so we're not having it here.
I work anyways so I couldn't go to Calg.
And I'm not going to ask for the days off. I mean. Then someone else has to miss out on theirs!
I've gotten to a point where holidays don't mean that much to me anymore.
Well certain parts of holidays anyways.
I'm content and happy knowing that my fam is going to have a fantastic T-Day and my boss will have a great one with her BF.
Anyways, if I did go out of town, I wouldn't be able to watch 'Forever Plaid' twice! Such a great production. After taht, I'll go watch some great friends play their first big show!
I'm excited.
So to the people that recieved my wonderful little gift. A happy Thanksgiving to you! Eat up.
And for those that didn't get one, sorry, I make them at work. That doesn't give me a lot of time to make as much as I wanted!
My mom's family went out to Calgary to have it with the fam jam there.
My dad is outta town so we're not having it here.
I work anyways so I couldn't go to Calg.
And I'm not going to ask for the days off. I mean. Then someone else has to miss out on theirs!
I've gotten to a point where holidays don't mean that much to me anymore.
Well certain parts of holidays anyways.
I'm content and happy knowing that my fam is going to have a fantastic T-Day and my boss will have a great one with her BF.
Anyways, if I did go out of town, I wouldn't be able to watch 'Forever Plaid' twice! Such a great production. After taht, I'll go watch some great friends play their first big show!
I'm excited.
So to the people that recieved my wonderful little gift. A happy Thanksgiving to you! Eat up.
And for those that didn't get one, sorry, I make them at work. That doesn't give me a lot of time to make as much as I wanted!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Secret #7?
I never really told anyone about this because I thought it was something weird and I didn't want it to be a big deal. I was scared and tried to pretend it was nothing.The reason I'm writing about it now, is that I know I'm not alone. In fact, knowing there's other people out there who go through the same things, whom experience it in a more intense severity, makes me feel alot better and makes me realize that it isn't a big deal. Comparing my experiences to other people's, I've noticed that my episodes are minuscule and could be so so, so much worse. And I think to myself now, maybe there's nothing wrong and I'm just being a big baby.
A couple months ago, it was a very stressful time. Finals, worries about people moving, thoughts of perhaps living alone, breaking down of relationships, things all of us go through. Things all of us go through; that phrase makes me feel like I was a complete baby.When I would get overwhelmed, I would crawl into the corner of my bed that was in the corner of the walls, and I would sit. Legs crossed and my arms hugging my legs. You know, the fetal position. From there, I would start sitting. While I sat, I started thinking, and when I started thinking, I started worrying. After a while, I'd stop thinking and worrying and I'd start listening. I would hear my heart beating. Beating fast. Now I've been sitting this whole time, so I'd start thinking, 'why is my heart beating so fast?'. Now, I realize I'm not breathing. 'Why aren't I breathing?', 'What is going on?', 'Why is this happening?', 'I'm still not breathing'?!, 'What do I do?!", 'I'm going to fail my math exam!', 'Why isn't she calling?!'.
Someone told me this was the beginning of a panic attack.
After 'panicking', I would start to takes gulps of breaths and calm my self down. Slowly and surely, I would be back to my normal self. It happened every so often through the next couple months. Intensity varying from time to time, but never a full on panic attack. I never felt like I was going to die or anything, I just felt like I was lost and didn't know what to do with myself and I couldn't do anything. Since it was super serious, I just waved it off and dealt with it as it came. Eventually the frequency of these events thinned. I thought though, I might as well go ask someone about it. I talked to a walk-in clinic doctor one day. Before going, I said that if someone was available right away and I didn't have to do some lame paper work or something, I'd go see one, if I had to do any work, I'd just leave, it wasn't a big deal. I was able to see someone right away. I told them what they felt like and how they started getting less frequent. The doctor said I should go see my family doctor or they could refer me to someone. I said I'd see my family doctor, thanked them and left. Of course I didn't see my family doctor because A) I don't have one and B) I got scared again and decided to diagnose myself and say it wasn't anything that would have to be looked into.
I never told anyone because I was scared. I didn't want it to be a big deal. I didn't want people to change what they thought about me and think of me and fragile. It was hard because certain people were affected when this happened. I would get worried about someone and need to talk to them. I would sit in my corner hoping they call. Then I'd think they would never call. And I would panic. I would call them and they wouldn't answer. I would panic even more. It got so bad that I would lose control and phone and phone. All I would need is one 'Hello' and I'd be at rest but my mind would not rest heard someone on the other side. Other times I would just panic about where my life was going. I'd sit aimlessly on the computer and start to feel something inside my chest. And I would feel myself starting to take in shorter faster breathes. I'm glad someone was there for these times though. I would just be able to go over and talk with them. Actually, I'd run as fast as I could to their house. I felt trapped inside myself and had to excape. Thank you for helping me and talking to me. And listening. Sometimes. Hah. But, eventually my safe haven where I could relax disappeared and I could never go there again. Maybe it was for the best. I eventually learnt to cope and calm down myself. But that wasn't with the sacrifice of losing someone and making the attacks happen.
Here I am now, several months after those times, doing well. I haven't had one of those attacks in a long time. I still do crawl up in the corner of my room and aimlessly sit and think. But I know how to calm myself now. I've also discovered many people I know share the same problem and it helped me takling to them and hearing how they have to deal. For some, it's a really big problem and they have to take certain measures that are very stressful in themselves. But I really have an appreciation for all of them because I know first hand, how hard it is to deal with it, even with minor cases, and how strong they are to be having to deal with it all the time.
So here's to you my friends:
Life is hard. But please don't fret. I am always here to talk it out if you need to.
I'll be a call or text away if you need to get out of wherever your prison is and go out for coffee or a late night walk.
Actually, Saturday late late night walks are my specialty. They're the first thing I started doing to help me calm down and escape.
I know they can help you too! So give me ring and we're on!
Cheers!
A couple months ago, it was a very stressful time. Finals, worries about people moving, thoughts of perhaps living alone, breaking down of relationships, things all of us go through. Things all of us go through; that phrase makes me feel like I was a complete baby.When I would get overwhelmed, I would crawl into the corner of my bed that was in the corner of the walls, and I would sit. Legs crossed and my arms hugging my legs. You know, the fetal position. From there, I would start sitting. While I sat, I started thinking, and when I started thinking, I started worrying. After a while, I'd stop thinking and worrying and I'd start listening. I would hear my heart beating. Beating fast. Now I've been sitting this whole time, so I'd start thinking, 'why is my heart beating so fast?'. Now, I realize I'm not breathing. 'Why aren't I breathing?', 'What is going on?', 'Why is this happening?', 'I'm still not breathing'?!, 'What do I do?!", 'I'm going to fail my math exam!', 'Why isn't she calling?!'.
Someone told me this was the beginning of a panic attack.
After 'panicking', I would start to takes gulps of breaths and calm my self down. Slowly and surely, I would be back to my normal self. It happened every so often through the next couple months. Intensity varying from time to time, but never a full on panic attack. I never felt like I was going to die or anything, I just felt like I was lost and didn't know what to do with myself and I couldn't do anything. Since it was super serious, I just waved it off and dealt with it as it came. Eventually the frequency of these events thinned. I thought though, I might as well go ask someone about it. I talked to a walk-in clinic doctor one day. Before going, I said that if someone was available right away and I didn't have to do some lame paper work or something, I'd go see one, if I had to do any work, I'd just leave, it wasn't a big deal. I was able to see someone right away. I told them what they felt like and how they started getting less frequent. The doctor said I should go see my family doctor or they could refer me to someone. I said I'd see my family doctor, thanked them and left. Of course I didn't see my family doctor because A) I don't have one and B) I got scared again and decided to diagnose myself and say it wasn't anything that would have to be looked into.
I never told anyone because I was scared. I didn't want it to be a big deal. I didn't want people to change what they thought about me and think of me and fragile. It was hard because certain people were affected when this happened. I would get worried about someone and need to talk to them. I would sit in my corner hoping they call. Then I'd think they would never call. And I would panic. I would call them and they wouldn't answer. I would panic even more. It got so bad that I would lose control and phone and phone. All I would need is one 'Hello' and I'd be at rest but my mind would not rest heard someone on the other side. Other times I would just panic about where my life was going. I'd sit aimlessly on the computer and start to feel something inside my chest. And I would feel myself starting to take in shorter faster breathes. I'm glad someone was there for these times though. I would just be able to go over and talk with them. Actually, I'd run as fast as I could to their house. I felt trapped inside myself and had to excape. Thank you for helping me and talking to me. And listening. Sometimes. Hah. But, eventually my safe haven where I could relax disappeared and I could never go there again. Maybe it was for the best. I eventually learnt to cope and calm down myself. But that wasn't with the sacrifice of losing someone and making the attacks happen.
Here I am now, several months after those times, doing well. I haven't had one of those attacks in a long time. I still do crawl up in the corner of my room and aimlessly sit and think. But I know how to calm myself now. I've also discovered many people I know share the same problem and it helped me takling to them and hearing how they have to deal. For some, it's a really big problem and they have to take certain measures that are very stressful in themselves. But I really have an appreciation for all of them because I know first hand, how hard it is to deal with it, even with minor cases, and how strong they are to be having to deal with it all the time.
So here's to you my friends:
Life is hard. But please don't fret. I am always here to talk it out if you need to.
I'll be a call or text away if you need to get out of wherever your prison is and go out for coffee or a late night walk.
Actually, Saturday late late night walks are my specialty. They're the first thing I started doing to help me calm down and escape.
I know they can help you too! So give me ring and we're on!
Cheers!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Ready. Set. GO!
i am ready to be infatuated.
i am ready to start feeling the butterflies in my stomach when i see a specific person.
you know what? let's make that 'persons'.
nothing wrong in keeping your options open.
i'm going to buy 'forgetting sarah marshall' because that movie made me feel fantastic about all the unjust in the world and gave me hope that, eventually, the good guy will win.
i re-watched 'disturbia' over the weekend. the moment at the end, when he's finally free from the house arrest monitor, walks over to her house, lifts up the rope seperating them and then gazes in her eyes and she stares back into his, was awesome. that kind of pure moment between two people is what i'm lookin' for. where you only feel one emotion and one thought for that brief moment and nothing else is important in that instant than the other person being in front of you, feeling the exact same thing. and the best part of seeing that movie is that i didn't fucking realize till right now, that i watched it with a her.
i'm coming along quite nicely.
i am ready to start feeling the butterflies in my stomach when i see a specific person.
you know what? let's make that 'persons'.
nothing wrong in keeping your options open.
i'm going to buy 'forgetting sarah marshall' because that movie made me feel fantastic about all the unjust in the world and gave me hope that, eventually, the good guy will win.
i re-watched 'disturbia' over the weekend. the moment at the end, when he's finally free from the house arrest monitor, walks over to her house, lifts up the rope seperating them and then gazes in her eyes and she stares back into his, was awesome. that kind of pure moment between two people is what i'm lookin' for. where you only feel one emotion and one thought for that brief moment and nothing else is important in that instant than the other person being in front of you, feeling the exact same thing. and the best part of seeing that movie is that i didn't fucking realize till right now, that i watched it with a her.
i'm coming along quite nicely.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Fuck My Fragile Heart.
why do you do this to me everytime.
why can't you be prepared?
it happens all the time, can't you be ready for it at least once?
put some fucking armour on for fuck's sake!
pity doesn't do anything for you either.
toughen up.
my mind and flesh are willing, but my HEART is weak.
but i refuse to submit and become cold and bitter,
to flush out all memories, good or bad.
these are what we must take.
we must take these and study them. learn them. love them.
because if we just forget, erase, replace, then,
we go no where.
we just stay at the begining of the maze with our back against the wall, wondering whether to go left or right.
why can't you be prepared?
it happens all the time, can't you be ready for it at least once?
put some fucking armour on for fuck's sake!
pity doesn't do anything for you either.
toughen up.
my mind and flesh are willing, but my HEART is weak.
but i refuse to submit and become cold and bitter,
to flush out all memories, good or bad.
these are what we must take.
we must take these and study them. learn them. love them.
because if we just forget, erase, replace, then,
we go no where.
we just stay at the begining of the maze with our back against the wall, wondering whether to go left or right.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Gone.
So, when I came back home from pre-ordering the new iPod nano, I discovered that my laptop had died in my absence.
It lights turned on but it was making no sound and the screen remained black.
I paniked. (Paniced? Panicked? Paniched?)
I tried plugging it in and unplugging it. I fumbled around to let the battery free of its prison, only to cram it back in after waiting a couple seconds.
I kept turning it on and off, on and off, hoping that the next time I treid turning it on, it would be like it was before and make the reassuring beep we all know and love.
No beep.
And in this instant, my heart grew heavy and mind stood still.
Everything that has been important to me in the past 2 years had been stored on there.
Papers I had wrote that I had been proud of, that I would have liked to read again in the future.
Lyrics and songs I had recorded in the privacy of my room when I couldn't fall asleep.
Pictures I created on Microsoft Paint, picture of friends, picture of loved ones and lovED ones.
I kept a record of any texts written to me via e-mail, letters, or, well, texts, in one file so I could look upon them one day and reminisce of days of yore. Everything I had loved and felt worth keeping, was in there. I even made double copies of things truly important and placed tehm in seperate folders, just in case something got deleted by accident. But this. This I did not ever imagine. I never thought about the entire laptop failing!
This is where the swearing and banging of the laptop occured.
The desperate pleas to everyone I know.
This has to be fixed.
I'm going into BestBuy tomorrow.
Apparently they have to ship it off to HP so they can fix it. CSA or something.
A friend of mine works there so he said he'll do a backup of the harddrive for me and ship it off right away.
I have faith and that's really all I can depend on right now.
I have faith in you my friend.
My heart and memories are in your hands.
Hack the mainframe. Hack the mainframe.
It lights turned on but it was making no sound and the screen remained black.
I paniked. (Paniced? Panicked? Paniched?)
I tried plugging it in and unplugging it. I fumbled around to let the battery free of its prison, only to cram it back in after waiting a couple seconds.
I kept turning it on and off, on and off, hoping that the next time I treid turning it on, it would be like it was before and make the reassuring beep we all know and love.
No beep.
And in this instant, my heart grew heavy and mind stood still.
Everything that has been important to me in the past 2 years had been stored on there.
Papers I had wrote that I had been proud of, that I would have liked to read again in the future.
Lyrics and songs I had recorded in the privacy of my room when I couldn't fall asleep.
Pictures I created on Microsoft Paint, picture of friends, picture of loved ones and lovED ones.
I kept a record of any texts written to me via e-mail, letters, or, well, texts, in one file so I could look upon them one day and reminisce of days of yore. Everything I had loved and felt worth keeping, was in there. I even made double copies of things truly important and placed tehm in seperate folders, just in case something got deleted by accident. But this. This I did not ever imagine. I never thought about the entire laptop failing!
This is where the swearing and banging of the laptop occured.
The desperate pleas to everyone I know.
This has to be fixed.
I'm going into BestBuy tomorrow.
Apparently they have to ship it off to HP so they can fix it. CSA or something.
A friend of mine works there so he said he'll do a backup of the harddrive for me and ship it off right away.
I have faith and that's really all I can depend on right now.
I have faith in you my friend.
My heart and memories are in your hands.
Hack the mainframe. Hack the mainframe.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
From one of the finest minds around:
"We always want what we can't have. If we're single we want someone to cuddle with. If we're cuddling, we want someone to make out with. If we're making out, we just want someone to bang. If we're banging someone, we want someone to love. If we're in love, we just don't understand why they don't love us the way we love them. If they love us too we think, "Damn, why don't they just chill the fuck out?" Then we start to think about being single... and so a million romantic comedies are born.
Relying on others to make us happy is certain failure. If we fall for the "you complete me" Jerry Maguire bullshit, we will fail. Every relationship you've ever been in has failed, everyone you've ever known has failed, whether they are still together or not. Why? Because we're looking FOR love, not looking to BE loved. Going into a relationship with guards and walls, reservations and expectations deems us failures from the start. We can't be happy (try to convince yourself all you want) until we are happy with ourselves.
So how do you feel when you're alone? Without a shoulder? How do you feel lying in bed between 10 minutes and forever before you fall asleep? You don't 'complete' shit, you arrogant bastards. If the focus is on me, me and me how could you possibly expect someone to be unselfish and give you what you think you 'deserve'? It is rare that two people are in the same position in life and can make things work, that's why most (if not all) of the time we do fail. We fail ourselves, we cheat others. We 'cheat' boys and girls and lovers with open hearts into thinking we can give them what they need. But we fail to give them what they all truly deserve. "
-Nonnie (shitbag)(kidddding)
Trapped.
Fuck.
I've had dreams with her in them so many times over the past week.
When she's a bitch and I hate her in my dream, I wake up sad. I wonder, what is she like now and if she's happier.
When we're friends again or randomly hooking up in my dream, I wake up sad. I wonder, does she remember or if she's happier without me.
I've had dreams with her in them so many times over the past week.
When she's a bitch and I hate her in my dream, I wake up sad. I wonder, what is she like now and if she's happier.
When we're friends again or randomly hooking up in my dream, I wake up sad. I wonder, does she remember or if she's happier without me.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
It's Time
I talked to my good friend dave a dayish ago.
We caught up and little bit and had some chit chat.
I told him how i noticed how everyone is doing something cool with their lives.
Some are starting a band and becoming very successful, two people are starting their own respective magazines, and I'm doing nothing.
He told me, "well, how about music? that's what it seems like you want to be doing right now".
Then it kinda just hit me. yes it is what i want to do right now.
I know I don't want to do it for my career and the rest of my life, like, mega seriously, but I really need something real and something I can accomplish things in.
So after that moment, I said to myself that I would start taking music a bit more seriously.
I've overhauled my room, put all my guitars together, moved the piano in, and made myself a harmonica holder.
I've also started trying to write a little bit more. It's still as hard as ever but it's goin'.
I'm learning songs that i learnt when I first started playing guitar, just to play and practice, and I'm pulling out the old piano books too. I'm also considering taking singing lessons just for the practice.
I'm getting so caught up in other people's lives recently, with everything I do, I just think it's useless because other people are already doing it. It's really distracting and holding me back.
It's weird. Because I say I'm just thinking about other people and not fucusing on myself, but I've noticed I've said "I'm" and "I" and "I've" a countless number of times just now.
So is it just that I'm whiney, that I'm not getting anything done?
It's Time to get my ass into gear and work for something. Not for something, but for a feeling. I want. I Need, to feel. I Need to feel happy, accomplished, ambitious, creative, hungry, passionate, full.
I Need to Be.
We caught up and little bit and had some chit chat.
I told him how i noticed how everyone is doing something cool with their lives.
Some are starting a band and becoming very successful, two people are starting their own respective magazines, and I'm doing nothing.
He told me, "well, how about music? that's what it seems like you want to be doing right now".
Then it kinda just hit me. yes it is what i want to do right now.
I know I don't want to do it for my career and the rest of my life, like, mega seriously, but I really need something real and something I can accomplish things in.
So after that moment, I said to myself that I would start taking music a bit more seriously.
I've overhauled my room, put all my guitars together, moved the piano in, and made myself a harmonica holder.
I've also started trying to write a little bit more. It's still as hard as ever but it's goin'.
I'm learning songs that i learnt when I first started playing guitar, just to play and practice, and I'm pulling out the old piano books too. I'm also considering taking singing lessons just for the practice.
I'm getting so caught up in other people's lives recently, with everything I do, I just think it's useless because other people are already doing it. It's really distracting and holding me back.
It's weird. Because I say I'm just thinking about other people and not fucusing on myself, but I've noticed I've said "I'm" and "I" and "I've" a countless number of times just now.
So is it just that I'm whiney, that I'm not getting anything done?
It's Time to get my ass into gear and work for something. Not for something, but for a feeling. I want. I Need, to feel. I Need to feel happy, accomplished, ambitious, creative, hungry, passionate, full.
I Need to Be.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Fake
so i feel really bad for someone i know.
HIS girlfriend went away to work for the summer.
she randomly decided over texting, that she wanted to take a break with no explanation.
she broke up with him a week ago, and less than a week after, she's now seeing someone and fully committed to him.
here's what what went down:
she played with him.
she went away.
she found met some cute guy.
she hooked up/fucked him.
she wanted to go on "a break" so she wouldn't AS feel bad when her and this guy screwed around.
she came back, decided the guy she met was cuter.
she broke it off and continues to screw this guy she met.
he is devistated.
i don't know what this means.
he feels as though nothing was real.
i half agree.
he was real. she was fake.
i don't know why guys are always assumed to be the bad guy in most cases.
usually it's the girls. and what they do is unforgivable.
so should we conclude this story as, she's a slut and just wants an upgrade.
or should we say, oh, she made the better decision for herself and it just sucks about the other guy, but at least she's happy.
of course, the ex boyfriend doens't know and usally falls on the "at least she's happy".
it's unfair that they don't go punished or feel bad.
it's bullshit really.
life is unfair but seriously. what the fuck.
i just hope things balance out for us good guys in the end.
dude, i'm sorry for the shit you had/are having/will have to to deal with.
give it time.
i know taht doesn't mean anything right now, but you'll see.
weeeerd.
HIS girlfriend went away to work for the summer.
she randomly decided over texting, that she wanted to take a break with no explanation.
she broke up with him a week ago, and less than a week after, she's now seeing someone and fully committed to him.
here's what what went down:
she played with him.
she went away.
she found met some cute guy.
she hooked up/fucked him.
she wanted to go on "a break" so she wouldn't AS feel bad when her and this guy screwed around.
she came back, decided the guy she met was cuter.
she broke it off and continues to screw this guy she met.
he is devistated.
i don't know what this means.
he feels as though nothing was real.
i half agree.
he was real. she was fake.
i don't know why guys are always assumed to be the bad guy in most cases.
usually it's the girls. and what they do is unforgivable.
so should we conclude this story as, she's a slut and just wants an upgrade.
or should we say, oh, she made the better decision for herself and it just sucks about the other guy, but at least she's happy.
of course, the ex boyfriend doens't know and usally falls on the "at least she's happy".
it's unfair that they don't go punished or feel bad.
it's bullshit really.
life is unfair but seriously. what the fuck.
i just hope things balance out for us good guys in the end.
dude, i'm sorry for the shit you had/are having/will have to to deal with.
give it time.
i know taht doesn't mean anything right now, but you'll see.
weeeerd.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Hunter
Driving home today, I caught glimpse of a rainbow.
I felt a little adventurous, so i decided to go find the end of it.
Half an hour of driving later, I was outside the city, somewhere on the transconaian side.
I looked at the clock for a second and when i looked back up, the rainbow had vanished.
While i was driving, i looked around at the other cars going the same direction as me and wondered if, they too, were going after the promised gold.
I felt a little adventurous, so i decided to go find the end of it.
Half an hour of driving later, I was outside the city, somewhere on the transconaian side.
I looked at the clock for a second and when i looked back up, the rainbow had vanished.
While i was driving, i looked around at the other cars going the same direction as me and wondered if, they too, were going after the promised gold.
Experiments
going back to my "writing lyrics is hard" point from before, i tried writing some tonight.
i read rivers cuomo would lock himself in his apartment and go on a fast for a day or two and write a song off that.
could that really work?
it did for him. he wrote "hold me" which, i think is one of the most beautiful and most eomotional songs i've heard in my life.
tonight i decided to not pee and sit outside on a curb in shorts and a shirt.
i thought the strong desire to empty out my blad along with the level of difficulty holding it in because i was shivering would help me write.
turns out i just almost ruptured my kidney and caught a cold.
maybe a runny nose will inspire me!
i read rivers cuomo would lock himself in his apartment and go on a fast for a day or two and write a song off that.
could that really work?
it did for him. he wrote "hold me" which, i think is one of the most beautiful and most eomotional songs i've heard in my life.
tonight i decided to not pee and sit outside on a curb in shorts and a shirt.
i thought the strong desire to empty out my blad along with the level of difficulty holding it in because i was shivering would help me write.
turns out i just almost ruptured my kidney and caught a cold.
maybe a runny nose will inspire me!
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Random Thoughts:
Feminists are stupid.
Smoking is stupid. It's just a social device which you get addicted to. It also looks cool.
Cigars, really, aren't that cool.
When someone cheats and breaks someone's heart, they shouldn't be the one who is happy and content afterwards.
You don't need tits to work at Hooters. You just have to be a skank.
Getting hammered all the time isn't really that cool or fun either. Grow up.
Talking about a recent break up with someone who's also had a recent break up is two people talking a language with a mutual understanding and genuine connection.
Once you slut out to attain something you've been working on for your entire life, you lose all credibility, respect, and meaning in whatever it is you were trying to do.
Writing lyrics is fucking hard.
I shouldn't care about someone like i do.
Smoking is stupid. It's just a social device which you get addicted to. It also looks cool.
Cigars, really, aren't that cool.
When someone cheats and breaks someone's heart, they shouldn't be the one who is happy and content afterwards.
You don't need tits to work at Hooters. You just have to be a skank.
Getting hammered all the time isn't really that cool or fun either. Grow up.
Talking about a recent break up with someone who's also had a recent break up is two people talking a language with a mutual understanding and genuine connection.
Once you slut out to attain something you've been working on for your entire life, you lose all credibility, respect, and meaning in whatever it is you were trying to do.
Writing lyrics is fucking hard.
I shouldn't care about someone like i do.
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